Sunday, January 29, 2017

Bigfoot vs. Zombies (2016)

“The remaining zombies are attacking Bigfoot!” – Renee, Bigfoot vs. Zombies

This week’s post is a little different.  I decided to try something new with the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  It wasn’t a complete success.  I would never claim that.  I don’t think it was a failure either, but if you consider it that, I hope that you’ll find it an interesting failure.  It was an attempt at something new.  That’s a step in the right direction and shows some of the growth that I’ve had as a writer since beginning this bad movie quest four years ago.

Here’s what happened.  I decided that I would create a scripted scene of me telling someone else about the movie.  Part of this decision has to do with the script writing that is bleeding into my schoolwork and my wanting to improve.  The other part was that new path that I was discussing.  I think I did well with the formatting.  The entertainment value might not be there, and I didn’t get into much depth with the movie.  But, hey, it’s my first attempt at this sort of thing for the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  It’s a fairly standard setting with two people sitting at a table in a diner, just talking to each other.

So, here’s the script I wrote.  I’ll discuss it a little more at the end.


JESSE walks in through the front door, holding it open for a woman to walk out. He looks around the half-filled coffee shop before his eyes settle on his friend JOE. He waves and walks over to the table.

          Hey, Joe. What are you doing with
          that fork in your hand?

          Oh, it was given to me by that
          waitress, that old lady. She said
          she'd be back with my breakfast
          whenever she can. Sit down. Sit.

Jesse pulls out a chair. It scratches the floor, but the sound is lost amongst the noise of the diner. He sits down and looks across the table at Joe.

          Have you written it yet?

          Not yet. I don't know what to write
          about it. This is a tough one, man.
          I don't even know where to start.

          All you need to do is write what
          you're feeling. When you put your
          emotions onto the page, it can work
          wonders. It makes people connect
          with you. They get to understand
          you better.

          Yeah, but how do I get into it?

          Don't worry about that. When you're
          writing, your entry point will come
          to you. It'll happen. You just need
          to work to get there. Not
          everything is easy. Some things
          need hard labor in order to happen.
          Writing is no different.

          You're right. I know you are. It's
          just... It's tough sometimes. You

          I get it.

A waitress walks up to the table with a plate of eggs, bacon, and home fries. She places it in front of Joe and turns to Jesse.

          Would you like anything?

          I'll have a coffee, thanks.

The waitress writes that down on a small pad of paper and walks away from the table.

          Hey, why don't you bounce some
          stuff off of me? Tell me what you
          want to write. Maybe when you've
          talked about it a little bit,
          you'll have a better vision.

          That's not a bad idea.

Joe nods and takes a bite of his breakfast. When he has swallowed the food, he puts down his fork.

          So what movie did you watch?

          It was some stinker called Bigfoot
          vs. Zombies.

          Bigfoot vs. Zombies? Is that by The

          No, and it's worse than any of
          their stuff that I've seen. This
          was in a whole different league of

          That terrible, eh?

          Whatever you're thinking, it was

The waitress returns and puts the coffee on the table.

          Thank you.

          Anything else for you two fine
          gentlemen today?

          No thank you.

The waitress walks to the next table and checks on the customers there.

          Who was in the movie? Who were the
          stars of Bigfoot vs. Zombies?

          You wouldn't know them.

          Try me.

          Okay. Danielle Donahue, Dave Fife,
          and Jeff Kirkendall.

          You're right. I don't know any of
          those people.

          Don't worry. You'll never see them
          again. Just like director Mark
          Polonia, their careers will likely
          end at this movie.

          You'd be surprised what some
          people's careers can survive. The
          kid from Troll 2 is directing
          documentaries now.

          I'm not talking about Troll 2.

          I know, I'm just--

          Just nothing.

          You're right.

Joe takes a sip of his coffee, thinks for a moment, and sets it down.

          So what's so bad about the movie?

          Where do I start? The acting was
          bad. The story was bad. The effects
          were bad.

          The story. Start with the story.

          Okay. The story. Bigfoot vs.
          Zombies was exactly what you would
          expect. Bigfoot fought some
          zombies. But that's not everything.

          Of course it's not. You already
          told me who was in the cast.

          Will you just let me finish?

          Okay, okay. Go on.

          The movie takes place at a body
          farm in Wisconson. All of the
          license plates are from New York or
          Pennsylvania, but the movie is set
          in Wisconson. It was about the
          people who work there. Two doctors,
          one guy who moves the bodies, the
          security guard, a hunter, and two
          guys bringing bodies to the farm.

Jesse stops for a moment and chugs his whole coffee. He puts the empty mug onto the table.

          The lead doctor came up with some
          sort of serum that could accelerate
          the decay of the bodies. That same
          concoction was bringing them back
          to life as zombies. The zombies
          attacked the workers, leaving most
          of them trapped in the main
          building. Luckily for them, Bigfoot
          showed up and sided with the
          people. You see, he was in love
          with the female doctor.

          In love?

          He would do anything to protect
          her. That's why he was fighting
          the zombies.

          That's the story? Zombies attack
          and the people are saved by

          They're not all saved. Only the
          female doctor and one of the
          delivery guys make it out alive.
          Everyone else gets killed one way
          or another.

          How do they get killed?

          The jerk who moved the bodies
          within the farm was killed when he
          opened up the bodybags the new
          bodies were in. The hunter was
          bitten and turned into a zombie.

          That's enough.

Joe called over the waitress. She walked up with her pen in her hand.

          Is there anything else I can get

          The bill, please. Put it all on
          one. I'll pay for both of us.

          You got it, hon.

The waitress walked to the counter to ring up the bill.

          It sounds like a pretty bad movie.

          Did I mention the scene where the
          van starts a rocking, and you find
          out later that it was only a
          makeout session and not sex?

          No. You didn't tell me that, and
          you could have kept it to yourself.

          I'm trying to come to terms with
          this movie, okay? It messed me up
          pretty good.

          You were already messed up. You've
          seen The Room too many times.
          You've seen both Birdemic movies,
          and over thirty movies from The
          Asylum. You've even seen Miss
          Castaway and the Island Girls.
          There's no way that watching movies
          that bad wouldn't mess you up.

          This was something else.

          Everything is something else when
          it comes to the bad movies you
          watch. How many times have you seen
          something that you've never seen
          before because of watching one bad
          movie every week for four years?


          See? Though Bigfoot vs. Zombies was
          a bad movie, you've seen movies
          just as bad or worse. This might be
          bottom of the barrel, but there are
          worse movies out there.

          You're right--

          I know I'm right.

The waitress returns with the bill in her hand. Joe hands her the money and she walks away.

          Just write what comes to you. It
          sounds like a crazy enough movie
          that you could find something to
          write about it.

          I don't know.

          Find a new angle then. Try
          something you've never tried before
          when you're writing this week's

          That could work.

          That will work. You always pull
          through. You haven't missed a
          Sunday yet.

          Alright. Thanks Joe.

Joe stands up and puts on his coat. He leans over the table and looks directly into Jesse's eyes.

          I know you can do it.

Joe stands back up and walks out. Jesse stands up, puts on his coat, and exits from the opposite door.

And that’s the script I wrote.  It’s nothing special, just something to test my skills at script writing and maybe help me find problems that I can improve upon.  I know that my descriptions could be improved.  By the end, I was writing simple actions when I should have been building the world.  Oh well.  I’ll do better next time.

In future attempts at scripting for the Sunday “Bad” Movies, I want to write better scenes than someone sitting at a table talking.  But that won’t be happening in the near future.  Next week will definitely not be a script, as I’ve already begun work on that post.  This week was a valiant attempt at trying something new, and I’m okay with that.  You have to try to improve and you have to improve to succeed.  These posts are as much about improving my writing skills as they are about actually covering the movies.  They’re for me as much as they’re for you.  That’s why I do whatever the hell I want.

Bigfoot vs. Zombies was not a good movie.  With my limited filmmaking skills, I could probably make something better.  But it did give me the chance to try something new while covering it.  It gave me the chance to push the boundaries of this blog in a way they hadn’t been pushed before, helping it to grow, if only a little bit.  Bad movies might not be well-made, but they can give as much inspiration as great movies.  They are important.  Keep that in mind when you see something as bad as Bigfoot vs. Zombies.
Keep these notes in mind too:

  • Bigfoot vs. Zombies was suggested by @erincandy, who has also suggested Glitter, Ghost Storm, Zombeavers, and Dead Before Dawn 3D.
  • I brought up a few movies during this post. They were Troll 2, The Room, Birdemic, and Miss Castaway and the Island Girls.
  • The Asylum was also mentioned during the post.  Some of their movies include Snakes on a Train, Paranormal Entity, Grimm’s Snow White, Transmorphers, and The Beast of Bray Road.
  • Another movie I’ve covered with Bigfoot was Bigfoot’s Wild Weekend.
  • There have been a few zombie movies covered for the Sunday “Bad” Movies, such as Rise of the Zombies, Chopper Chicks in Zombietown, and The Coed and the Zombie Stoner.
  • Have you seen Bigfoot vs. Zombies?  What did you think of the movie?  Was it as mind-numbingly bad as I thought it was?  Let me know all your thoughts in the comments.
  • Are there any movies that I should watch for the Sunday “Bad” Movies?  I’m open to all suggestions.  Just leave them in the comments or on my Twitter timeline.
  • When I’m watching bad movies, I tend to put clips of them on snapchat.  If you want to see that, you can add me.  Jurassicgriffin.
  • Next week is a big week for me.  About a year ago, I had planned to see and review Fifty Shades of Black for the blog, but wasn’t able to make it to the theater to see it.  Now it’s on Netflix so I have no excuse not to cover it.  With the one year anniversary of its release so near, and the release of Fifty Shades Darker looming ahead, next week I will be taking a look at Fifty Shades of Black.

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