Sunday, April 3, 2016

Troll 2 (1990)

For the 175th week of the Sunday “Bad” Movies, I decided to sit down with the non-existent child Timmy and watch the classic Troll 2.  Timmy had questions while the movie was playing and I did my best to answer them.  The following is what went down.  Again, Timmy is not a real person and this entire “interview” is a fictional account of a fictional series of interactions with a fictional person.

Timmy: “What is this?”
Me: “I told you before, Timmy.  We’re watching Troll 2.  It was released in 1990.  The Waits family did a summer house swap with a family from the town of Nilbog.  Now Joshua Waits (Michael Stephenson) must try and stop his family from becoming the victims of vegetarian goblins.”

Timmy: “Why are they vegetarians?”
Me: “A vegetarian only eats vegetables.  People that only eat meat are carnivores.  If a person eats both meat and vegetables, they are an omnivore.  The goblins in Troll 2 are vegetarians because they only eat vegetables.  They were written this way because one of the writers, Rossella Drudi, didn’t like that her friends were vegetarians.  She and her husband made this movie as a way to insult the friends.”

Timmy: “Did you say that there are goblins in a movie called Troll 2?”
Me: “That is precisely what I said, Timmy.  Troll 2 is a movie with lots of goblins and no trolls.  It was originally envisioned as a movie called Goblins.  When the distributers had doubts of the movie’s success, they changed the name to Troll 2 in an attempt to get the audience of Troll to see it.  It had nothing to do with Troll.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes before Timmy piped up again.  This was around the time when Elliott (Jason Wright) was sneaking into Holly’s (Connie Young) room.

Timmy: “Did she just say he’d be a homo because her father will cut off his nuts and eat them?”
Me: “Yeah. Troll 2 isn’t the most gay-friendly movie out there.  And you don’t need to ask, Timmy.  It doesn’t make sense that losing his testicles would make him homosexual.  Homosexual males still tend to have their genitals attached.  They aren’t castrati.”
Timmy: “Castrati?”
Me: “There was a time when boys who had good singing voices would get their genitals removed so that they would keep those good singing voices.  Those boys were the castrati.”

Timmy: “And she wants him to give up his friends?”
Me: “It seems that way.  She wants all of Elliott’s attention to be on her.  The friends are a bad influence on him and will only distract him.  Without them, he will mature into a caring boyfriend.  Right?”
Timmy: “I would rather have my friends.  Girls have cooties.”

We watched some more of the movie in silence.  Then the infamous peeing scene happened and Timmy couldn’t keep quiet any longer.

Timmy: “That food looks yucky.  Why would they put green butter on their corn?”
Me: “Hospitality.”
Timmy: “Hospi-whatsit?”
Me: “They’re eating the food because the other family left it for them. It would be rude not to have a bite of something that was made for you.”
Timmy: “It still looks yucky.”
Me: “It’s about to get yuckier.”

We watch as Joshua stands up and unzips his pants.

Timmy: “Ewwww.”

Michael takes his son upstairs and says “You can’t piss on hospitality. I won’t allow it.”  I look over at Timmy and pause the movie.

Me: “Now do you understand?”
Timmy: “The people from before made their house nice for this family. That’s hospitality?”
Me: “Yes.  That’s hospitality. They made food for the family, and labelled the rooms so that they knew where to sleep.”
Timmy: “And Joshua urinated all over the food.”
Me: “He pissed on the hospitality.”
Timmy: “But his dad won’t allow it. That’s why he got taken to his room.”
Me: “You got it.”

For the next few minutes of Troll 2, Timmy was enthralled with what was happening onscreen.  By enthralled, I mean he was staring at the screen waiting for more crazy stuff.  That came when Arnold was in the witch’s church.

Timmy: “What are they doing to that girl?  Why is she bleeding green?”
Me: “They’re goblins, Timmy.  Goblins like to turn people into vegetables so that they can eat them.”
Timmy: “They’re eating her!  And then they’re going to eat Arnold.  Oh my god!”
Me: “Do you know how many people have seen that clip without actually watching Troll 2?  I saw it countless times in high school and wouldn’t watch the movie until my second year of university.  It was in a compilation of bad movie clips on YouTube.  That compilation spread through my high school like wildfire.  Oh, the early days of YouTube.”
Timmy: “That must have been a long time ago. You’re so old.”
Me: “Well that was mean.”

I turned my back on Timmy for a while.  The next time I paid him any attention was when one of Elliott’s friends went to the local grocery for milk.

Timmy: “Do they leave their milk on the shelf instead of in the fridge?”
Me: “It would seem that way.”
Timmy: “Doesn’t milk go bad that way.”
Me: “Yes.”
Timmy: “Then why are they doing it? Don’t they want to drink the milk?”
Me: “They use it to turn people into vegetables, so it doesn’t matter where they leave it.  Besides, that guy was thirsty enough to drink their Nilbog milk without questioning it.”
Timmy: “Why would he do that?”
Me: “Don’t question this movie.  It doesn’t know any better.”

Timmy: “Is Arnold a tree now?  How?”
Me: “I don’t know. Everyone else turns into some green jelly substance that the goblins eat.  Arnold didn’t.”
Timmy: “He just stands there watching everything.”
Me: “The actor had to stand there for fourteen hours straight in that makeup.  They nailed his shoes into the pot and made him stand there all day.  Imagine how bad that would be.”

The next major point in our trip through Troll 2 was when Joshua discovered what was happening.  He and his dad went into town for reasons I can’t remember and didn’t write down.  That’s not important.

Timmy: “Nilbog is Goblin backwards!?!”
Me: “How did you not figure that out already?”
Timmy: “I’m only six years old.”
Me: “No you aren’t.  You’re not even real.  I made you up for the sake of this blog post.”
Timmy: “Shut up!  I am realer than your love life.”
Me: “You have a point.”

I paused the movie while I sobbed into the arm of my chair.  When I got my composure back, I turned the movie on again.  Joshua was spying on the townspeople.

Timmy: “That doesn’t look like any ice cream I’ve ever seen.”
Me: “Yeah. I don’t really like the look of that.  It looks like yogurt with raisins in it, which isn’t something I find tasty at all.  Though, neither is any of the green stuff being fed to the people.”

When Joshua and his father got to their vacation home, they found all of the townspeople there, throwing a party.

Timmy: “This is a weird party.  Why would the party involve sitting four people down and forcing food upon them?”
Me: “When I worked at a hotel, the nice Italian cook lady always told me to eat more.  This isn’t one of those situations, but I could imagine this sort of thing happening if she was there.  She would sit me down and force food on me if she was given the chance.”
Timmy: “These people are goblins though.”
Me: “That’s right. They’re trying to turn the family into vegetables, remember.”
Timmy: “Oh yeah. This movie doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

Timmy: “So, the grandpa made a Molotov cocktail, had it taken away, then exploded it with lightning?”
Me: “Yes.”
Timmy: “And the dad knew exactly where there would be a fire extinguisher when he ran outside?”
Me: “Yes.”
Timmy: “How?”
Me: “I don’t know.”

Meanwhile, back in the motorhome in the woods, the witch showed up to fornicate with one of Elliott’s friends.

Timmy: “Why does she have a cob of corn?”
Me: “The goblins fetishize vegetables.  They don’t only eat them.  They are obsessed with them.  Haven’t you noticed that? Instead of being farmers, they thought it would be a better idea to attack humans and turn them into vegetation.”
Timmy: “But why though?”
Me: “There isn’t a reason.  The writer didn’t like vegetarians, so she made them into people eating monsters as a result.”

Timmy: “Why are they eating the corn cob together instead of sexing it up?”
Me: “Why make out when you can eat a cob of corn?”
Timmy: “And where’s all that popcorn coming from?”
Me: “The movie didn’t have a large enough budget to make the corn cob explode in a flurry of popcorn, so someone is standing off camera throwing the snack onto the two actors.”

There wasn’t much more talking until the climax of the movie when the family is saved by something really odd.

Timmy: “What did Grandpa Seth put in the bag?”
Me: “You’ll find out in a minute.”
Timmy: “A double decker bologna sandwich?”
Me: “Except, if you look at it carefully, you’ll notice that it isn’t double decker.  It’s just a whole stack of bologna fresh out of the package.”
Timmy: “Is he even chewing on it?”
Me: “It doesn’t look like it, but they sure are scared of him pretending to.”
Timmy: “Do you think there’s mustard on that sandwich?”
Me: “No.  It’s not a meat product, so they wouldn’t be scared of it.  Bologna is a meat product.”
Timmy: “Bread isn’t.”
Me: “Shut up, Timmy.”
Timmy: “Fine.”

Timmy left at that point, and I ended up watching the final scene of the movie by myself.

Me: “Did they inject the apples with that green stuff or something?  How did the mom not notice while she was eating it?”
Me: “I know.  She just chomped that apple, didn’t even finish it, and went to have a shower like it’s a normal day.”
Me: “It’s only her and Joshua because the rest of the family didn’t even want to be there.”
Me: “Maybe the actors couldn’t spend the fifteen minutes shooting the scene.”
Me: “Whatever it was, that scene had the only nudity in the movie.  It was the half-eaten green jelly torso of the mom with the boob showing.”
Me: “Why did the goblins offer Joshua some of his mom?  That was weird.”
Me: “The whole movie was weird.  Why have I watched it three times?  There was no reason to.  It’s funny and insane, but very bad.  Maybe I’ll watch it again sometime.”

That concluded my most recent watch of Troll 2.  It was a movie filled with things that no sensible movie would feature.  It is easily watchable while at the same time being so terrible that you’ll want to turn it off.  It’s a perfect movie that represents entertaining bad movies at their finest.  No other movie could be Troll 2.

I haven’t seen Timmy since that day.  I’m starting to think that he got turned into food for the goblins.  Wait, if they’re eating him, does that mean they’re going to eat me?  Oh my god!  I better get to the notes quick before they come for me.
Here are the notes:

  • Troll 2 was suggested by @TheTalkingCan, who has also suggested The Room, Stan Helsing, and Bio-Dome.
  • There will be another post up this week for Best Worst Movie, a documentary based around Troll 2.  When it is up, it will magically be linked to.
  • Have you seen Troll 2?  What did you think of the movie? You can talk to me about it in the comments below.
  • The comments are also a good place to let me know about movies that you think I should cover.  If you don’t want to use the comments, feel free to let me know on Twitter.
  • If you want to see clips of the movies that I watch for the Sunday “Bad” Movies, find me on snapchat.  My username is jurassicgriffin.
  • Next week, I’ll be coming to you with a post about The Beast of Bray Road.  I meant to watch this a long time ago, but couldn’t get a copy.  I have one now, so it’s time to watch this thing.  See you then.

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