Bad movies are something of an addiction to me. They aren’t any sort of serious addiction
that is physically destroying me in the same way that drugs, alcohol, or any of
that other stuff would. Instead, they
eat away at my free time and sometimes feel like they eat away at my
sanity. There are very few movies that I
outright hate when I watch them. I try
to find something… Anything that is good.
I want to be positive about what I watch. Yet, I sometimes find it hard to be
positive. Either I cannot find that one
thing, or there is an aspect of the film that dominates and is extremely
annoying.
Jack and Jill suffered from one of these movie strangling
annoyances in the character of Jill. She
is one of the most irritating characters that I have ever witnessed in a
movie. Any movie. And it has nothing to do with Adam Sandler’s
performance. Though his female voice is
bothersome, and the fact that he played the role is kind of insulting, it was
the writing of the character that was irritating. She was supposed to be a sympathetic
character. This attempted sympathy was
undermined by the simple fact that everything had to be done her way. If she wanted to do something, everyone had
to cave and do that something. If they
didn’t, she would incessantly nag at them and then guilt trip people for not
doing that. She was unlucky in love,
only catching the eyes of Al Pacino (who she doesn’t like) and the Mexican
gardener that her brother hired (who she barely notices). She can never figure out what the name of a
movie is and refuses to agree with people that it is the movie they say it
is. She also has superhuman strength
because that’s supposed to be funny. But
it isn’t. Her entire personality is
based upon being irritating and it takes down the whole movie.
All of this detestation that I have for the character made
me think about what Jack and Jill would be like without Jill. Besides
the title, I mean. And even then, the
title might not change. There are ways
to make the movie so that it doesn’t have Jill but still retains the title Jack
and Jill. There are ways to do it and I
came up with one in my mind. It’s the
idea that I am about to relay to you. So,
the bulk of this Sunday “Bad” Movie post will contain my new vision for the
movie Jack and Jill.
Let me start at the beginning. It seems like the perfect place to begin my
rewritten tale of Jack and Jill. I mean,
it’s the beginning. It’s a starting
point. It’s the place where I should
begin. The opening scene of Jack and
Jill can stay the same as it was before.
This is still a sort of story about twins. There is a major difference, but the idea of
twins will still be present in the new version of this movie. Plus, the opening scene is funny. It’s just twins talking about twin stuff.
The next scene can stay relatively the same as well. We set up Adam Sandler as a commercial
creator. And we set up the fact that Dunkin
Donuts wants to do a commercial for their Dunkacino with Al Pacino. Why?
The final scene in the movie pays it off and it’s hilarious. What is going to change in the movie is that
the drive for Al Pacino to become the star of this commercial will be the main
storyline of the movie. His story will
no longer be a subplot for Jill and her love life. That is because Jill does not exist in this
version of the movie.
After setting up the Al Pacino storyline, things in the new
Jack and Jill stray from the course of the old Jack and Jill. Similar to the movie that we know and don’t
love, Jack gets a call from his wife.
Instead of hearing about his sister coming to town, he hears that his
wife’s twin isn’t coming to town. That
is a bummer because he had planned a lot of things for the siblings to do. Now there was nobody to do them.
Jack tries to convince Al Pacino to do the commercial, but
Al Pacino is a famous leading man. His
roles are too respectable for him to sink down to the level of
commercials. Even if Brad Pitt is trying
to get you to buy Chanel, and Matthew McConaughey is selling Lincolns. Al Pacino does not do commercials. He refuses to do one for Dunkin Donuts.
Later that night, while researching Al Pacino, he discovers
that Al is on a dating site. I forget
the name they use for the website in Jack and Jill, but it will be that same
website. It gives Jack an idea. His wife has a twin. Why not pretend to be his own, imaginary twin
sister to woo Al Pacino into doing the commercial? Al’s lonely, Jack needs to get him in the
commercial, and Jack can pretend to be a woman to give Al some
companionship. Surely, it won’t get far
enough for Al to find out that Jack’s a man.
Antics ensue for about forty-five minutes. They go to game show tapings. They go to parties. They go to the park and play soccer. They go on a Carnival cruise. Eventually, Al agrees that he will do a
commercial for Jill’s brother. All is
going well until one night when Al Pacino gets a little bit too frisky and the
melons fall out of Jack’s sweater, revealing that he is a man. Al Pacino vows to never do any commercial
work with Jack.
Jack goes home and confesses the entire story to his wife,
who is furious that he would do something like this. Jack says that he had a great time doing
these things with Al and thought they were becoming great friends. His wife tells him that it was disrespectful
of him to do these things to Al and says that he should apologize.
Cue a series of referential moments to romantic comedies
when the man/woman is attempting to win back the man/woman that he/she has
lost. The boombox in the air, running
through an airport… That kind of stuff.
It doesn’t work. He makes one
final confession to Al about his feelings and Al gives in. He says he will forgive Jack and agrees to be
in the commercial.
Then we get that final scene with the commercial and Al’s
disgust at what he just saw. And the
movie then cuts to credits with more of the twin stuff from the beginning.
My basic idea is to turn the movie from being a story about
Adam Sandler’s annoying twin into a wacky comedy about Sandler posing as a
woman to land Al Pacino for a commercial.
It would allow for better comedy, fewer irritating characters, and the
same great Al Pacino performance that is present in the Jack and Jill that has
actually been made. It is what I would
rather see than this version of Jack and Jill for a third time.
There are few movies that make me want to overhaul them as
much as this one. The problem is that I
am not a professional movie maker and cannot remake this movie in a better
form. I am left with the stinking turd
that is Jack and Jill, as well as the character of Jill, who I despise. My improvements might not make the movie
outright good, but they would make it much less of the disaster that it
is. And that is where I leave you guys.
There are a few notes that I need to make before I go, so I
guess I didn’t actually leave you yet:
- Jack and Jill was suggested by two people on Twitter. The first was @rosstmiller, who also suggested Going Overboard. The other was @TheCatFilmFan.
- This is the third Sunday “Bad” Movie for Allen Covert. He was previously in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo and Going Overboard.
- This is also the third Sunday “Bad” Movie for Adam Sandler. He has been in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo and Going Overboard.
- Norm MacDonald also made his third appearance in Jack and Jill. His other two appearances were in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo and Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.
- Nick Swardson was in Jack and Jill. He has already shown up in A Haunted House.
- An actor named Eugenio Derbez was in Jack and Jill. He was also in a movie called Beverly Hills Chihuahua.
- Tia Robinson is an actress in Jack and Jill who was also in Rise of the Zombies.
- Santiago Segura appeared in Jack and Jill. He was in a movie I have watched for the Sunday "Bad" Movies called Tiptoes.
- An actor named Jackie Seiden was in Jack and Jill and was also in New Year's Eve.
- Finally, there is John Farley making his second appearance in a Sunday “Bad” Movie this week. He could previously be seen in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.
- Have you seen Jack and Jill? What are your thoughts on it? Do you like my rewrite? Does it improve on the movie or make it worse? Do you hate Jill as much as I do? Share your thoughts or anything else (no racism, sexism, or that kind of stuff) in the comments below.
- I would also like to state that you can suggest movies for me to watch for the Sunday “Bad” Movies. You can leave those suggestions in the comments, tell me on Twitter, or email them to me at sundaybadmovies@gmail.com
- There is one week left to vote on which movie I rewatch for the two year anniversary. The poll is up right now. Every movie that first appeared within the 51st week until the 100th week is fair game. Choose wisely.
- I will be compiling a post at the end of November where I answer questions asked by readers about the Sunday “Bad” Movies. You can send any of your questions to the email account. I’ll try to answer as many as I receive.
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