Script for a Parody of the Point Break (2015) Trailer

FADE IN ON TEXT

                      TEXT
          "Death is something not feared by
          people who don't tempt it." --
          Modern Proverb

EXT. STREET IN THE SUBURBS - EVENING.

An adult is riding a tricycle. A wagon full of toilet paper
is being pulled by the tricycle.

The tricycle hits a bump. The wagon bounces. The toilet
paper rocks from side to side.

Three people run up to the tricycle. The grab toilet paper
from the wagon and begin tossing it at the nearest houses
and yards. The toilet paper unravels everywhere.

EXT. STREET IN THE SUBURBS - MORNING

The homeowners look at their vandalized yards and weep.

INT. POLICE CHIEF'S OFFICE

The police chief sits behind his desk.

                      POLICE CHIEF
          Montana, I need you.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

From behind, a figure is seen sitting in a chair playing
video games.

INT. BOARDROOM

Montana stands at the front of the boardroom. On the screen
is an image of the tricycle adult crying in front of his
empty wagon.

                      CHAIRMAN
          Why pick rolls off of a kid's wagon
          and not get your own like a normal
          person?

                      MONTANA
          I don't think these are normal
          people.

CUT TO STUDIO LOGO

INT. HALLWAY

Montana walks down the hallway by himself.

INT. ROOM

Montana takes off his jacket.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Brody holds a PS4 controller in his hand.

INT. BOARDROOM

Montana continues his presentation in front of the chairmen.

                      MONTANA
          I think they're gamers.

CUT TO VIDEO GAME FOOTAGE

                      MONTANA (V.O.)
          And they don't care who is on the
          other end of their online
          connection.

CUT TO TEXT

This Christmas

INT. ARCADE

Brody and Montana are standing at the prize counter. The
sounds of game machines can be heard in the background.

                      BRODY
          They call me Brody.

Brody and Montana shake hands.

CUT TO TEXT

To catch them

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Brody and Montana are playing video games.

CUT TO TEXT

He must become them

INT. ARCADE

Brody and Montana hug.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Brody, Montana, and some other gamers are sharing Doritos
and Mountain Dew while playing video games.

CUT TO VIDEO GAME FOOTAGE

EXT. STREET IN THE SUBURBS - EVENING.

Brody, Montana, and the other gamers look down the empty
street.

                      BRODY
          These houses don't have enough
          toilet paper. We're going to give
          them some.

CUT TO VIDEO GAME FOOTAGE

CUT TO VIDEO GAME FOOTAGE

CUT TO VIDEO GAME FOOTAGE

EXT. STREET IN THE SUBURBS - EVENING.

Streams of toilet paper fall from the trees.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Brody and Montana share a bro hug.

INT. POLICE CHIEF'S OFFICE

The chief is sitting behind his desk with an angry look on
his face.

                      POLICE CHIEF
          You think you're one of us, but you
          sure look like one of them.

INT. MONTANA'S LIVING ROOM

Montana is playing video games by himself.

EXT. DARK STREET

Brody motions to Montana as if to say "I'm watching you."
Montana smiles back at him.

CUT TO VIDEO GAME FOOTAGE

INT. EMPTY ROOM

A man sits in the empty room.

                      MAN
          These kids are gaming away their
          lives.

EXT. STREET IN THE SUBURBS - EVENING.

The gang of gamers are tossing toilet paper at houses and
yards.

INT. POLICE CHIEF'S OFFICE

Montana is pleading to the chief.

                      MONTANA
          I just need more time.

INT. ARCADE

The gang are playing a racing game in the arcade.

EXT. DARK STREET

Montana stands directly in front of Brody.

                      MONTANA
          Brody, do you have any idea how
          many people you've TPd? How much
          vandalism you've done?

                      BRODY
          The only thing that matters is
          wiping away shit with toilet paper.

Brody runs at a yard with toilet paper in his hand. Montana
chases after him.

                      MONTANA
          No!

CUT TO TEXT

Point Blehhhh

This Christmas

Don't see it.

#PointBlehhhh

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Fourth Anniversary Rewatch of Jingle All the Way (1996)

 "Howard, I'm of the mind set you can never do too much to make a child's Christmas magical." - Ted Maltin

Christmas season has arrived, and Sunday “Bad” Movies is getting geared up for some Christmas related movies over the next few weeks.  Normally it would be three movies leading into Christmas, but thanks to the votes of people in my Twitter feeds, a fourth Christmas movie is kicking off the month.  Jingle All the Way was voted the movie that I should rewatch for the fourth anniversary, so here I am to write about it again.

Last time I watched it, I wrote about its relevance to the modern Christmas season.  Though Jingle All the Way took place on Christmas Eve, it represented the whole shopping season.  It was Black Friday with a Christmas ribbon tied around it.  People were going crazy for the gifts they needed to buy.  Stores were overcrowded for a single toy.  Parades were happening.  Everything about it screamed that time between Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It’s the perfect movie to encapsulate this time of year.

There are other things in Jingle All the Way that are worth mentioning.  I could write one post about the movie every year covering a different aspect of what makes it great.  There is so much meat to it.  This week, I will tackle one of the many other topics.  But first…

Jingle All the Way was released in 1996.  It was about Howard Langston (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a neglectful father who cared about his family but not enough to actually focus on them.  He forgot to get his son the hot new holiday toy, so he spent the entirety of Christmas Eve doing whatever he could to get a Turbo Man doll.  The only reason to root for Howard is because he was given villains who were even worse than him.  There was Myron Larabee (Sinbad), the crazed mailman who accidentally set a bomb off in a radio station and almost killed a child by making him fall from the top of a building.  There was also Ted Maltin (Phil Hartman), the bachelor neighbour of Howard.  It is this character that will be the subject of this post.

Ted Maltin is an interesting character.  He’s a single father who seems to care about his child more than Howard cares about Jamie (Jake Lloyd).  He got his son a Turbo Man doll long before the crazy Christmas shopping.  He was prepared.  He got a reindeer and had his house decorated in preparation for the big holiday.  Ted ensured that his son would have the perfect Christmas.

There was another side to Ted that was apparent to us adults, but not necessarily the kids watching the movie.  Ted Maltin spent most of the movie trying to have sex with Howard’s wife, Liz (Rita Wilson).  He was always at their house throughout Christmas Eve, while Howard was trying to find the Turbo Man doll.  There was even a moment right before the parade when he tried to make a move on Liz, only to be hit in the head with a thermos.  What a nice guy.

If you dig even deeper, you’ll notice that Liz wasn’t the only woman that Ted had made these kinds of moves on.  Throughout the movie, hints are dropped through seemingly throwaway interactions that point to Ted getting around the neighborhood.  He offered to do small chores for the wives, and things like that.  The standout of all of these moments was a point when he offered to meet up with one of the neighbourhood wives to swap recipes.  His character was a walking double entendre.

Not only was Ted trying to sleep with Liz, but he hated Howard because he hadn’t yet slept with Liz.  For whatever reason, Ted would taunt Howard to no end.  He would eat cookies in Howard’s house while on the phone with Howard.  He couldn’t just put the cookie down, he had to rub it in Howard’s face.  He put the star on the tree (which probably should have been up long before Christmas Eve), even though that was Howard’s job.  He even started making fun of Howard’s muscular physique, saying “You can’t bench press your way out of this one” when Howard got in trouble.

Ted Maltin was the minor antagonist of Jingle All the Way.  He was the antagonist for the home portion, since that whole side of the story needed to be included.  Sinbad’s insane mailman character couldn’t be the only villain, because he couldn’t cause a strain on Howard’s personal life.  Ted Maltin was there for that side of the story, and the movie wouldn’t be the same without his active sex life.

Now, the sequel wasn’t a part of this anniversary rewatch, but I want to highlight a big shift in story that happened involving the antagonists.  Jingle All the Way had three antagonists.  It had Sinbad, the antagonist of the Turbo Man doll storyline.  He was the other man searching desperately for the same toy that Howard wanted.  There was a very minor police officer who Howard was always causing to end up in ridiculous slapstick accidents.  And then there was Ted, the threat at home.

For Jingle All the Way 2, the police officer antagonist was completely removed.  The other two antagonists, the home threat and the search threat, were combined into one.  The villain was the main character’s daughter’s new stepfather.  It was the protagonist and antagonist vying for the affection of the little girl.  There was nothing more to the conflict.  Two antagonists were combined into one, which may have hurt the story.  Either that, or it is impossible to capture the magic of Jingle All the Way.

There are many things that could be written about Jingle All the Way and there are many angles to take.  It’s an interesting movie that is a deep source of topics.  I’ve written about how it is a perfect encapsulation of the modern Christmas season, and now I’ve written about the Phil Hartman character.  I don’t know if I’ll ever write about this movie again, but I do know that there are other topics I could cover.  It’s a great movie and a great source of inspiration.

And here are some notes:

• Here is the original post for the Jingle All the Way movies.
• Jingle All the Way features Arnold Schwarzenegger, who was also in Hercules in New York and Batman and Robin.
• Danny Woodburn was in Jingle All the Way and 30 Nights of Paranormal Activity with the Devil Inside the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
• Two cast members of Jingle All the Way were in New Year’s Eve.  They were James Belushi and Yeardley Smith.
• Laraine Newman appeared in Jingle All the Way.  She was also in a movie called Perfect.
• Have you seen Jingle All the Way?  What did you think of it?  What did you think about Phil Hartman’s character?  You can discuss any of this stuff in the comments.
• If you suggest movies for the Sunday “Bad” Movies, I will try to fit them into the schedule. All you have to do is let me know about the movies.  You can suggest them in the comments or in my Twitter feed.
• Sometimes when I’m watching movies for this blog, I post clips of them to my snapchat story.  If that sounds interesting to you, add me.  jurassicgriffin.
• Next week’s movie will see Hulk Hogan come into the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  That’s right.  I’m going to be watching his Christmas movie.  Santa with Muscles is next on the schedule.  Come back next week to see what kind of Hell I’m living in.

Free Birds (2013)

“Goodbyes are just hellos blowing across the wind until our paths intersect once again.” – Jake, Free Birds

Here’s a message to the Americans in the audience.  I don’t know how many there are, so this may not be going out to too many people.  There aren’t a whole lot of views each week when I put new posts up.  Anyway, happy Thanksgiving to all of you.  We here in Canada had our Thanksgiving last month, which meant we’ve had time to work off the feast before Christmas.  You guys aren’t so lucky.  You have just a month in between.  You’re still in a food coma when you get to the next holiday.  Yikes!

This week’s movie fits into the holiday theme.  It’s a movie about Thanksgiving.  It takes on a modern Thanksgiving, but also takes on the original American Thanksgiving.  It’s a movie about the food that people tend to eat during this time of year.  Specifically, it is about turkeys.  The movie is Free Birds.

You might be thinking, “But isn’t that a Lynyrd Skynyrd song?”  No.  Freebird is the song.  Free Birds is a 2013 animated film about Reggie (Owen Wilson), the presidential pardoned turkey, who went back in time with another turkey named Jake (Woody Harrelson) to stop turkeys from becoming the meal at the first Thanksgiving.  Along the way, they met a tribe of turkeys that teach them how to be more intelligent than the modern turkeys.  It was a fun animated comedy and I’m not sure why it was suggested in the first place.

What made Free Birds better than the reputation it has garnered?  There are a few reasons.  The jokes landing well was the most apparent point for it actually being good.  There was good voice work and a solid story to go along with it.  I’m going to start with the story, which will sound insane when I mention it, but actually ended up being fairly solid.

The Story

Free Birds was about Thanksgiving.  It began in a modern time, as Reggie lived on a turkey farm.  This was a place where turkeys were grown and slaughtered for food.  The turkeys weren’t smart enough to realize what was happening.  Except for Reggie, of course.  He knew what was happening and wanted the turkeys to plan an escape.

When the president arrived to find a turkey to pardon for that year’s Thanksgiving, his daughter chose Reggie.  This sent Reggie to Camp David, where he learned to live the good life.  He discovered television and pizza and became your stereotypical American.  It brought about some great comedic moments, including Reggie answering the door for the pizza guy and speaking in turkey speak because he’s a turkey.

One night, when Reggie zoned out, Jake kidnapped him.  He said there was a time machine somewhere around Camp David.  They needed to go back to the first Thanksgiving and stop turkeys from being on the menu.  Reggie tried to get back to his easy life, but ended up, through a series of unfortunate events, in the time machine.

The rest of the movie was spent with Reggie and Jake helping a tribe of turkeys survive an attack by the Pilgrims leading up to the first Thanksgiving.  Reggie fell in love, Jake learned his place in the world, and a few time travel tropes came into play.  There was one scene where four different versions of Reggie interacted.

It was a solid story about turkeys learning how to be better.  Reggie learned that a pampered life may not be the best.  He learned that taking in the world around him was better than isolating himself in front of a television.  It’s a great lesson for children, and one that seems to be getting passed over simply because people think the movie looks dumb.  Jake’s story was to never give up on your goals.  He wanted to save turkeys.  It looked like he wouldn’t be able to succeed because of all the obstacles that appeared.  With the help of the tribe and his new best friend Reggie, Jake accomplished his task.  He regained his confidence.  They were solid story arcs that could teach children a thing or two.

The Jokes

One of the most underrated styles of comedy is reactionary humour.  There aren’t a lot of people that can give a variety of great reactions that continue to get laughs.  Kenan Thompson is a great reactionary comedian, which may be why he has managed to stay on Saturday Night Live for so long.

Few animated films can capture the comedic reactions of real people.  Something about transitioning the emotions of a real person to their animated counterpart loses the reality.  Free Birds captured the reactions without them being simple double takes.  When the president’s daughter introduced the governmental staff, they reacted in horrified, worried, and shame-filled ways.  You could see those feelings in their faces and physical movements.  It worked better than some live action comedies.

Other jokes also helped to bring the movie above the bad reputation it has.  The aforementioned turkey answering the door for pizza bit was great.  There was also a strange dance scene in the middle of the movie between Jake and the turkey tribe’s equivalent to Jake.  It felt like it came out of nowhere, but it was one of the funniest moments, capped off with some chipmunks clapping at the end of the routine.

Free Birds delivered on laughs frequently, which is what you want out of a comedy.  It’s not a groan-inducing movie.  I smiled and had a good time throughout.  It never let off the comedy and was more successful than not.

Voice Work

Animated movies pride themselves on the people that they get to perform the characters’ voices.  Pixar tries to find the perfect person to portray the characters, whether it’s Tom Hanks as Woody, or Patton Oswalt as Remy.  Other animated movies create a voice cast of name actors based on stardom alone.

Free Birds fell into a weird middle territory.  It didn’t get huge stars who automatically sell movies.  Owen Wilson is known mostly for his collaborations with people like Ben Stiller, Will Ferrell, Vince Vaughn, and Wes Anderson.  He’s not known for headlining his own movie (except for Drillbit Taylor). Having him be the star of an animated film was a different kind of role that you wouldn’t think could happen.  But it did.  His voice is a unique one that was interesting to listen to.

Then there was Woody Harrelson as Jake.  It was the sort of role he has played in live action.  He’s the dim-witted yet energetic and friendly best buddy character.  He had a similar character in Cheers, the show that made him a star.  He knows that kind of character inside and out.  But, even with the success of The Hunger Games and the franchise that followed it, Woody Harrelson isn’t a big enough star in the current cinematic landscape to sell a movie.

The rest of the cast was rounded out by Amy Poehler, Keith David, George Takei, Colm Meaney, and Dan Fogler.  None of them were bad.  Keith David and George Takei have done quite a bit of voice acting each.  Dan Fogler hasn’t gotten the credit he deserves for the comedic performances he gives.  Amy Poehler has a more well-known voice performance in last year’s Inside Out.  Many of them are able to fit into the world of Free Birds seamlessly, creating a great aural experience.

Maybe they were trying to stick to the “find the right voice” method when they were casting Free Birds.  For some reason, I don’t feel like they were.  They were casting based on stardom (hence the character posters), but couldn’t get big enough stars to call it a star-studded cast.  It was no Shark Tale, Madagascar, or Over the Hedge.  It’s more on par with something like Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs where the cast is a solidly built cast of great performers, but they aren’t big enough to sell a movie on their own, and they weren’t chosen specifically because the character was perfect for them.  Though, you might argue that the characters were perfect for the actors in both movies.  At least, the actors made the most of the characters.

Free Birds has been wrongly categorized as bad.  Had I known that, I probably would have left it out of the schedule.  But it’s here.  I watched it.  I defended it.  Most of the people reading this will be thinking that I’m crazy.  What’s new?  I watch at least one bad movie every week because I have nothing better to do with my time.  Well, I used to have nothing better to do with my time.  I have stuff to do now but still put out these posts as a self-service and because about ten people read them.

Anyway, Free Birds isn’t as bad as people say.  It’s entertaining.  People need to stop saying that any movie that isn’t up to their standards of greatness is terrible.  Movies are not binary.  It isn’t great movie or terrible movie all the time.  There are movies in between.  There is a grey area.  Free Birds is in the grey area, though it leans toward the higher end.  It’s not terrible.  Stop acting like it is.  It’s perfectly fine, and might end up being a Thanksgiving classic.

These notes are anything but perfect:

• Free Birds was suggested by @mrjafri.
• Owen Wilson made a third appearance in the Sunday “Bad” Movies with Free Birds.  He had previously been in Anaconda and The Hero of Color City.
• Two actors from the Deuce Bigalow franchise worked on Free Birds.  Amy Poehler was in Deuce Bigalow: Male Gigolo, and Charles Ponce was in Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo.
• Elisa Gabrielli from Beverly Hills Chihuahua was featured in Free Birds.
• Woody Harrelson had prominent roles in both Free Birds and Money Train.
• Finally, Keith David shared his voice in Free Birds.  He was recently introduced into the Sunday “Bad” Movies in Road House.
• Have you seen Free Birds? If so, do you like it or dislike it?  Why do so many people think this is a bad movie?  You can share your thoughts in the comments.
• What other movies do you think I should watch for the Sunday “Bad” Movies?  You can let me know in the comments or on Twitter.  I’m always looking for new things to discover.
• Sometimes I share clips of the bad movies I watch on snapchat.  You can find me with the username jurassicgriffin.
• Next week is the fourth anniversary of the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  I’m not sure if there will be a bonus post.  I may try and scare something up for next week.  Nothing new, but I might be able to find something on my computer.  Who knows?  For the anniversary, I held a tournament to determine what movie I should rewatch.  The votes have been counted.  It seems that I’ll be watching Jingle All the Way again.  Not the second one.  The first one.  It narrowly beat out Road House for the rewatch.  I’ll see you next week, when I’ve written something about the movie.