Loose Shoes (1978)

Welcome to the latest edition of “I Don’t Know How to Come to Terms with What I Just Watched.” I’m your host, your writer, Jesse, here with a new post all about a new-to-me movie that wasn’t new at all. And, oh boy, was it a wild ride that I did not like in any way whatsoever. Okay, maybe in one way, but I’ll get into that soon enough.

Loose Shoes was a comedy anthology that came out in 1978. It was headed by Ira Miller, a popular comedy performer and writer from the 1970s who frequently worked with the likes of Mel Brooks and John Candy. I’m not entirely sure how someone who seemed so beloved in the comedy circles could make something quite as atrocious as Loose Shoes, but stranger things have happened, I guess. Everyone will put out a stinker at some point.

The concept for Loose Shoes was interesting enough. It was the only thing I can think of that could have been a positive for the movie. Every segment was a parody of popular films and genres at the time. It was a succession of trailers for coming attractions that weren’t actually coming. They were fake. Many of them might have felt, sounded, or looked familiar. However, none of them would ever come to a theater near you. And for good reason. Most of them were offensive in the edgy humour for edgy humour’s sake way that actually took me aback at various times.

I’m maybe a week removed from the movie as I’m writing this. Possibly more. I don’t remember many of the more forgettable segments. The one that Bill Murray was in, for example. All I remember about it was that it was themed like a prison movie. There was the Ma and Pa one, as well. All I remember was that Ma and Pa were in it. Other scenes, though. Others are burned into my mind forever. I can’t unsee them. I can’t unfeel what I felt when they happened.

It started immediately. Loose Shoes began with a scene parodying a biopic of Howard Hughes, a couple decades before Martin Scorsese would make an actual biopic of the man in The Aviator. If you want to know the low hanging fruit that Loose Shoes was going for, you need not look any further than the opening scene. They didn’t use Howard Hughes’s actual name and simply changed it to Howard Huge. The voice over mentioned things about Mr. Huge, including the fact that his favourite pastime was watching planes have sex. That was it. That was the joke. I was taken aback because I never could have expected that to be a punchline. It’s like someone took edgy humour and combined it with random humour to make the worst of both styles.

The low hanging fruit of Loose Shoes didn’t stop there. It kept resurfacing. In what I thought at the time was the worst possible joke to tell in a movie parody, a parody of The Bad News Bears was put into the movie about halfway through. The joke? Pedophilia. The whole scene was a buildup to dropping the name of a new fourth movie in the franchise called The Bad News Bares in Getting Laid. These pre-teen into teenage boys were about to have sex with adult women in the change room showers. I was shocked. I showed someone else this scene to see what they thought. They were also shocked. Like, why would you think this was a good joke? It must have played well to the Jeffrey Epsteins and Donald Trumps of the world.

Much later in the movie, there was a scene set up to be a Cab Calloway musical number of sorts. This was, maybe, the only half-decent piece of satire in all of Loose Shoes. (I’m sorry if I call this Loose Screws at some point. I think that was the movie I meant to watch when I threw on this abomination.) This was the only scene that picked some fruit that hung a little higher in the tree. It was a performance of a song written around a racist remark made by a politician at the time. Making a scene actually about something rather than a crude, random joke gave it a little more weight that, albeit still some terrible comedy, felt like thought and effort was put into it. It wasn’t crude or crass to be crude or crass. It wasn’t the simplest joke possible. They tried something because they were saying something in this one scene.

Then they followed it up with the worst scene of the movie. Maybe second worst. I flip flop back and forth between this and the Bad News Bears scene. That one was pedophilia. This one felt a little antisemite, even with the writer/director being Jewish. It was a parody of the opening of Star Wars. The crawl was written in Hebrew. One of the spaceships was replaced with a menorah. The title of the coming attraction came up. The word “Star” in Star Wars was replaced with the Star of David. The symbol, not the name of the symbol. Then Loose Shoes zoomed out of the screen at the theater, pulled out to the back of the theater, and the movie cut to credits. It ended on a Jewish symbols joke. Why? What was the point? That wasn’t funny at all.

From the entire hour and a half runtime of Loose Shoes, I was able to pull two things that I thought had potential. One was the initial concept. A movie that parodied trailers for other movies was a fun idea for an anthology. Three decades later, Tropic Thunder would do a similar sort of thing to kick the movie off, except actually do it well. The other thing was the Cab Calloway parody scene. The one scene where they seemed to give a shit and didn’t just imply that Howard Hesseman was jerking off in a soldier’s locker for no reason. Other than those two things, I detested this movie.

I don’t know if I’ll ever come to terms with Loose Shoes. I don’t know if I can ever reconcile with some of the things I saw because I forced myself to watch this movie. The scenes I mentioned will stick with me well after I’ve finished this post. I don’t like knowing that. I don’t like that I will forever be thinking about how they thought it would be a good idea to put the Bad News Bears into a sex comedy. Ugh.

I’ve seen a lot of bad movies in my time. I’ve got this entire blog devoted to writing about watching bad movies. It’s about learning from bad movies. Loose Shoes might not be the worst of the worst that I’ve seen. But it’s up there with the likes of Chicks Dig Gay Guys and The $cheme for making some subject matter that they maybe should have just stayed away from. I guess it at least gave me an idea for another topic later on down the road. I could write about the movies I’ve watched for this blog that tried to make the audience appreciate abhorrent material. Perhaps I’ll come up with a better way to describe that. Now I’m just brainstorming with myself.

Thank you for attending this session of “I Don’t Know How to Come to Terms with What I Just Watched.” I’ve been your host and writer, Jesse, and hopefully the next movie I write about will be a little more entertaining.

These notes are probably better than the movie was:

• At the end of this post, I mentioned Chicks Dig Gay Guys and The $cheme.
• I made note that Howard Hesseman was in Loose Shoes. He was also in Police Academy 2: Their First Assignment and All About Steve.
• Anson Downes and Murphy Dunne were in both Perfect and Loose Shoes.
• Lewis Arquette returned to Sunday “Bad” Movies with Loose Shoes, after first appearing in Chopper Chicks in Zombietown.
• Sandy Helberg acted in Loose Shoes as well as Mortal Kombat.
• Loose Shoes featured Sandy Helberg from Zombeavers.
• You might have noticed Howard Storm in Loose Shoes. He would go on to be in Valentine’s Day.
• Harry Shearer narrated some of Loose Shoes. He had a role in Godzilla.
• New Year’s Evil and Loose Shoes both had performances from Louisa Moritz.
• Billy Curtis showed up in Loose Shoes after first showing up in The Terror of Tiny Town.
• One of the more recognizable people in Loose Shoes was Avery Schreiber, who was in Galaxina.
• Finally, two actors from the Maniac Cop series were in Loose Shoes. Rod Gist was in Maniac Cop 2 and Joshua Weisel was in Maniac Cop 3: Badge of Silence.
• Have you seen Loose Shoes? What did you think? Did you like anything about it? Let me know in the comments, or hit me up on Bluesky or Threads.
• You can use the comments, Bluesky, or Threads to let me know what movies I should be checking out for Sunday “Bad” Movies. Open my eyes to what I might not know about.
• And that leads me up to the next post. I know the movie I’ll be checking out. It’s a little horror flick called Terror at Blood Fart Lake. I’m not sure what I’m going to write. I’m not even sure when the post will be ready. My week off from work is over, so it might be a slightly longer time than having three posts within a month, with two of them being the same day. I’ll see you when it goes up, though.

Scratching the Surface of Nepotism with Martial Law (1991)

There’s a saying in show business that it’s all about who you know. The people you are friends and family with will help you succeed. You can definitely see that by the people who become stars, and the people who get multiple chances to try to become stars. Many of them have these connections. Many of them use these connections to land roles in movies. Some of them even use the connections to land roles behind the scenes.

Over the past couple years, the term “nepo baby” became a big thing. I don’t know exactly why. Nepotism had been around for many years, especially in Hollywood. There have been major Hollywood dynasties, thanks to nepotism. Lionel and Drew Barrymore. The Baldwins. The Fondas. Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh birthing Jamie Lee Curtis. Bruce Lee and Brandon Lee. The Coppolas. The list could go on and on and on. There’s really no end to the number of celebrities who are related to other celebrities.

One movie that could help show the power of nepotism is Martial Law. This was a direct-to-video action flick from 1991 that people mostly know now for Cynthia Rothrock being one of the three leads. They might not even know there were other leads in the movie. From every poster I saw, she was the prominent image. But there were two other leads. There was the guy known as Martial Law, Sean Thompson (Chad McQueen), and the villain, Dalton Rhodes (David Carradine). They were the nepotism of the movie, in the standard view of what nepotism is.

Sean Thompson was the main hero of Martial Law, a police officer hunting down a murderous mafia-style boss. Over the course of the movie, Sean found out his brother was involved in Dalton Rhodes’s mafia dealings. Things got personal as Sean got closer to taking down the crime syndicate.

Chad McQueen took on the lead role, showcasing his martial arts skills in a big way. He was an actor who wasn’t known for too much. He would later appear in Squanderers with Don Swayze (brother of actor Patrick Swayze), but his biggest role was probably as one of the Cobra Kai members in The Karate Kid. The skills he showed off in that movie were fully on display in Martial Law as Sean kicked and punched his way through bad guy after bad guy.

What might not be as well known as his role in The Karate Kid is that Chad McQueen is the only son of the late Steve McQueen. The actor, not the director. He was born into the Hollywood system through his father, who had been one of the biggest movie stars of his time. At least, that’s how I perceive it now, but I wasn’t alive during Steve McQueen’s heyday. The semi-success and multiple chances that Chad McQueen had in Hollywood were because of his name. The same could be said for his son, Steven R. McQueen, who has been in things like The Vampire Diaries, Piranha 3-D, and Chicago Fire.

The villain of Martial Law was Dalton Rhodes. He was a smuggler and arms dealer who had his underlings steal expensive cars he could sell to shady people. His business practices were dangerous. He killed anyone who threatened his business, as well as many who didn’t. The whole police investigation came after he killed someone with a karate move and left the dead body out in the open.

David Carradine took on that role, pulling from his own martial arts background to make his character an intimidating master of sorts. He starred in the television show Kung Fu, of course. There was going to be some martial arts background when bringing in the guy that starred in Kung Fu and its sequel series, Kung Fu: The Legend Continues. The people behind Martial Law likely knew that during the casting process. They didn’t know the sequel series, though, since that came out after Martial Law.

David Carradine came from a family that had been all over Hollywood for decades, and kind of still is. His father was John Carradine, his brothers were Keith and Robert Carradine, and his nieces were Ever Carradine and Martha Plimpton. Each have had their own success in Hollywood. The family is a dynasty that began with John Carradine. There’s no way nepotism didn’t help his children, including David, and grandchildren find fame.

That’s not to say that the nepotism was as strong with David Carradine as it was with Chad McQueen. Sure, it was there. It was going to be there with his father being a famous actor. But, based on the longevity of his career, and the quality of performances I’ve seen from him, David Carradine had more acting talent. He probably could have made it fully on his own. The hypothetical success he’d have had on his own might not have been as much, though, because nepotism played a part in his career.

The dichotomy between Chad McQueen and David Carradine shows the two ways that nepotism could help someone find a career in show business. In Chad McQueen’s case, people casted him for his name. His martial arts prowess may have played a small part, but it definitely didn’t hurt that his father was Steve McQueen. In the case of David Carradine, his father’s career had given him the skills to become his own performer. The name didn’t hurt, but he learned acting from watching his father at work. Chad McQueen didn’t ever seem to be fully into performing, which is maybe why he transitioned into car racing as a career in the early 2000s. It could also be why his quality of acting was nowhere near his father’s.

I do not think that Martial Law was a movie made to feature actors who capitalized on nepotism. First and foremost, I think it was a movie based around martial arts. It was a movie meant to feature Cynthia Rothrock and her butt-kicking presence. It just so happened that the other two actors to land lead roles may have had nepotism dictate their careers in some way. A “nepo baby” isn’t necessarily someone whose entire career was predicated on the fact that they knew or were related to someone else within the business. It’s someone who was given more opportunities because of that connection. Which, for these two actors, they certainly fall into that category.

There are many actors, directors, and musicians who might be considered the product of nepotism. Success and forward momentum in any business is about building connections and using those connections. But in show business, that nepotism is on full display to everyone. The families that have been around since the birth of Hollywood. The friends who were put into movies simply for being friends of someone involved. Anyone from Saturday Night Live being able to show up in any Adam Sandler movie. The connections matter in building a long-lasting career. Nepo babies won’t be going away any time soon.

Now it’s time for a few notes to wrap things up:

• Brant von Hoffman made his fourth Sunday “Bad” Movies appearance in Martial Law. He was previously a part of Dudley Do-Right, Police Academy, and Police Academy 3: Back in Training.
• Benny Urquidez has now been in three Sunday “Bad” Movies. They were Road House, Street Fighter, and Martial Law.
• Another actor making a third Sunday “Bad” Movies appearance is James Quinn, who was in both Iron Sky and Iron Sky: The Coming Race before this watch of Martial Law.
• David Carradine was the villain in Martial Law. He had a very small part in Death Race.
• Hank Baumert was in Top Dog and Martial Law.
• Martial Law saw the return of John Fujioka to Sunday “Bad” Movies. He was also in Mortal Kombat.
• Kung Pow: Enter the Fist and Martial Law both featured Philip Tan.
• The star of Martial Law was Chad McQueen. He also starred in Squanderers.
• You may have seen Tony Longo in Martial Law. He had already been in Tarzan the Ape Man.
• Vincent Craig Dupree played a fairly sizeable role in Martial Law. He made heads roll in Friday the 13^th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan.
• Finally, James Lew was in Martial Law and Savage Beach.
• Have you seen Martial Law? What did you think of it? What do you think of nepotism? Who do you like that resulted from nepotism? Let me know your thoughts in the comments, on Bluesky, or on Threads.
• If there’s a movie you think I should check out for Sunday “Bad” Movies, let me know. Same three places are good. The comments, Bluesky, or Threads.
• So, the next post is already written. I don’t know if it’ll also go up today (I’m on a week off from work), or if it’ll wait until next week. I guess that will depend on if I take the time to edit it. It’s about a rightfully forgotten movie from 1978 called Loose Shoes. Come back for that post because… That movie was something.