Santa Jaws (2018)

The holiday season is upon us once again. Christmas trees are going up. Lights are being strung on houses up and down every street. Radio stations are changing their formats for a month so that people can feel festive while driving to and from their daily jobs. If they’re not working from home, that is. Christmas movies have taken over television networks. And, for the next three weeks, Sunday “Bad” Movies will be diving into holiday movies.

Every year brings a variety of Christmas movies to Sunday “Bad” Movies. Usually, there’s a Hallmark movie or something equivalent to that thrown into the mix. There’s usually a random one that could be animated, a Santa movie, or a religious movie. And there’s always horror. The movie kicking off this year’s holiday string of movies falls into that last category. It’s a horror movie that fits right into a niche horror subgenre that has come up in Sunday “Bad” Movies a few times now. It’s a Christmas shark movie called Santa Jaws.

This post is going to be a little different than what I’ve been doing recently. It’s going to be a kind of blog post that I haven’t done in a while. It may have been a few years since I last did one of these. This is going to be a running commentary of my thoughts while watching the movie. I’ve never seen Santa Jaws before, which might make it a bad choice for a blog commentary, but I’m going to do it anyway. I’ll put time codes and such to make it easy for anyone who watches the movie to understand whereabouts in the movie the stuff I’m writing about would go. Why don’t we get started, then?

00:00:06 – I can already see how self-aware Santa Jaws is. The title came up on screen. The “Santa” resembled the font from Home Alone, while the “Jaws” resembled the font from Jaws. They added a string of Christmas lights around the letters in case you didn’t know about the Christmas connection that the movie had.

00:01:12 – This movie feels like it’s the bad movie that people watch in another movie. There’s a Santa threatening to throw some woman into shark-filled water, and a heroic guy pointing a gun at Santa. There are lines like “Are you going to shoot me like a naughty little boy or fight me like a man?” and “No sugar cookies for you. You’re gonna eat your words.” There was effort put into making the movie feel like the bad movie within a movie. That’s for sure.

00:01:37 – Good guy kicked Santa in the balls. Maybe I should say bells. They sure jingled like bells.

00:02:15 – Evil Santa was kicked into the water and chomped up by a shark. If this doesn’t turn out to be a bad movie within a movie, I’m pretty sure that will be the origin of a Santa shark that will terrorize people.

00:03:08 – Ah, okay. So that opening bit was a comic book that a kid was drawing. That explains why the tone was what it was. Everything is falling into place.

00:04:30 – The comic book kid has a partner. The comic book kid draws what the partner writes. The partner’s sense of humour, though… Woof. It’s a lot of puns. He really likes puns. And all the puns are bad. Very bad.

00:05:25 – There’s a very television movie feel to the score. That makes sense. Santa Jaws was a movie that aired on SyFy. The music feels cheaply bombastic. That will probably keep up through the entire movie, though it should end up turning from the upbeat nature of the early music to something darker as the story gets a little darker. Still feels like cheap television quality, though.

00:07:08 – Cody’s family includes a grandfather (I think) who looks sort of like Santa Claus, a mom who is busy in the kitchen, a brother who is a baseball pitcher, a guy who I assume is the dad who isn’t doing much of anything, a rich uncle Mike, and the uncle’s model wife. The model wife is a “Snapstagram” model because the movie didn’t have the money to pay for Snapchat or Instagram name rights. You probably understood that already, though.

00:09:20 – Apparently, Cody used his art skills to draw a satiric picture of his principal. He was sticking it to the man because uniforms suppress individuality. His parents weren’t having any of that and now Cody isn’t allowed to go to the comic book Christmas party. There’s a surprising amount of drama that has nothing to do with a Santa shark in this movie.

00:09:48 – “Who wants eggnog? Homemade! Made it myself.” I think that’s what homemade means, my dude.

00:11:07 – The tropes are just a rolling in. Cody got in trouble for his rebellious cartoon. His uncle Mike wanted to make him feel better and revealed that Cody’s strict, by the books mother had a rebellious streak when she was younger. “You should ask her about her punk phase.” This is parental writing 101. When a kid feels like their parents just don’t understand, the parents always understand more than they think. Because the parents were like them, you see? Like parent like child.

00:13:51 – Cody got a pen as a gift and started drawing Santa Jaws with it. Santa Jaws then came to life. This must be some sort of a Stranger Than Fiction sort of thing. Instead of an author, it’s a comic book artist. Instead of Will Ferrell, it’s a shark.

00:15:17 – I should mention that Cody has a crush on the neighbour girl. I don’t know if she lives next door or across the street. I don’t think that has quite been established yet. But he’s been embarrassing himself around her multiple times. She caught him looking at her from his bedroom window (with binoculars, like a creep), and then he tripped over a Christmas decoration while waving to her in the front yard. This will definitely be a romantic thing through the rest of the movie.

00:17:55 – Cody and his grandfather had a nice talk about how Cody felt like he could never get the girl. It was a nice heartfelt moment. They finished it off with some of Gramps’s homemade eggnog that he made himself. Then the Santa Jaws shark jumped out of the water and ate Grampa right in front of Cody. That was the best thing that could have happened in this movie. I love it.

00:18:35 – Here comes another parent trope. Cody tried to tell his family that a shark ate his grandfather and they didn’t believe him because he’s a kid who was supposed to be grounded. The parents not listening to children who know something is wrong trope is all through the horror genre. If there’s a horror movie that stars kids, it surely has this trope. Until the adults see it with their own eyes, they won’t believe it. But the kids know. Cody knows. He saw it.

00:23:47 – Cody goes to the comic book store to try and get his friends to help him. The owner tells him about a girl who frequents the shop and likes Cody’s art. Guess what? It’s the neighbour girl. Who could have seen that twist coming?

00:31:12 – Uncle Mike got eaten by Santa Jaws. His model girlfriend hasn’t been eaten yet. She lost her phone in the water, though, so she won’t be sharing anything on Snapstagram for the rest of the movie, I think. I’m a little sad the movie didn’t show Uncle Mike being chomped. It showed a POV heading toward him, then cut away to his girlfriend as he screamed. I want more of the imagery of the Grandfather’s death.

00:31:43 – It seems like a good time to bring up Cody’s clothing. Ugly Christmas sweater. I know that these sweaters are supposed to be ugly. That’s the point of them. For some reason, in movies, the costume designers always seem to choose ugly Christmas sweaters that aren’t that ugly. Cody’s shirt is not that ugly. It’s red with white snowflake-like stripes on it. That’s not that bad. Just wanted to say that ugly Christmas sweaters and movie ugly Christmas sweaters are two entirely different beasts and the movie versions aren’t really that ugly.

00:36:59 – There’s a guy dressed as an elf sitting on the pier with his feet in the water. Santa Jaws pushed a boat into him, which cut off his legs at the knees. This is what I wanted! I want more of this! Give me more!

00:39:41 – This kid really reminds me of Edward Furlong.

00:41:28 – The parents just saw the shark. Now they’re surprised that their kid was telling the truth, even though Cody had zero reason to lie about his grandfather being eaten.

00:46:05 – Santa Jaws lassoed the Snapstagram model with Christmas lights because she was on a dock eating a candy cane. That might have been the most ridiculous kill situation of the movie. Maybe not the most ridiculous looking, but definitely the most ridiculous details of a kill so far.

00:51:42 – Cody’s brother and his comic partner join Cody and the neighbour girl to fight off Santa Jaws. They brought weapons. Mostly, it was a box of explosives marked “Danger Explosives” in giant writing on every side. It looks very cartoonish, which kind of fits because they’re fighting off a comic book character.

00:52:30 – Another trope just reared its head. “Honey, we can’t help our boys if we don’t stay safe.” That’s always the reason that people don’t jump to action in movies. Or in television shows. I know there’s a risk vs. reward sort of thing going on, but if the reward is saving someone you love, I don’t think risk really ever factors into it.

00:53:12 – Best friend/comic partner just got his ass chomped. It was glorious.

00:59:20 – Clark, the comic store owner, has been an ass the whole movie. He insulted the kids. He wouldn’t help them fight a shark, instead sending them out without adult supervision. He kept Cody’s comic and gave it to a random person in town. Now he stole Cody’s pen and is acting super suspicious. Is he a surprise villain?

1:00:49 – It’s time for a car chase because Clark took off when they confronted him. Surprise villain!

1:05:48 – Clark just got eaten. He tried to steal the pen so he could draw himself whatever he wanted and instead got eaten by a shark. Neighbour girl got eaten too, after scrapping with Clark to get the pen back to Cody.

1:08:58 – Santa Jaws got more festive. Cody drew out her teeth, but she ate some ornaments that gave her red and green teeth. Cody drew a candy cane to impale her, and it just gave her a horn. The obstacles keep piling up as the movie moves toward its ending.

1:11:11 – The parents are back to not believing the kids. How are they back to that stage? On another note, I’m pretty sure that Cody will just write all of his friends/family back into existence with the magic pen. And the Snapstagram model because… Why not?

1:13:48 – I’m getting major Home Alone vibes from this “getting ready to fight” montage. First off, they’re getting ready to fight like they’re Kevin from Home Alone. So the scene kind of has a thematic tie to those montages in the first two Home Alone flicks. The music also sounds eerily similar. It’s not the same music. I know it’s not. But they chose something really close to it. I’m almost positive they’re going for a Home Alone homage with this scene.

1:18:04 – So the family decided that the best plan was to slingshot exploding Christmas turkeys at Santa Jaws. It was kind of like the idea in Jaws to just blow up Bruce. It didn’t work and half the family got killed. The brother, Josh, did get a solid moment before he was impaled. One of the turkeys fell off the slingshot and he just did a giant yeet of it at the shark. Badass, but immediately followed by Santa Jaws horning him. The dad was just an idiot and jumped in the water when his son died.

1:18:33 – Cody saw one of the turkeys floating in the water. When Santa Jaws went to eat it, he shot it. Big explosion. Santa Jaws sank to the bottom of the water while Ave Maria played and I laughed heartily.

1:20:28 – Santa Jaws isn’t dead! Cody’s mom got ate!

1:23:34 – Okay, so there’s clearly a lot of Home Alone in the movie. After spending the entire time trying to stop Santa Jaws and losing his family, Cody wakes up on Christmas morning to his family alive and well. He’s happy they’re back and he’s nice to them, for a change. It’s like the end of Home Alone. Cody even offers to pull Grandpa’s cinnamon buns out of the oven. Everyone is surprised and thanks Cody. But instead of pulling the cinnamon buns out, he runs to the neighbour’s house to check in on the girl. Screw family. Think about the girl. Right? Yeah… Uh… Okay movie.

1:26:36 – Credits are rolling. That pen is evil. That pen is the villain.

Okay, so that was Santa Jaws. Final thoughts. The movie clearly took inspiration from three other movies in a big way. The first two were two that I mentioned throughout the commentary. Home Alone kept creeping into the movie. The family theme, the font of the title card, and that montage all screamed Home Alone to me. The font, the shark, and the three exploding turkeys all felt like elements of Jaws making it into the movie. Then there was Lord of the Rings. That pen was very much the one ring. It had an inscription. Everyone wanted it and it turned people evil. The ending hinted that Cody would keep the pen and bad things would come of it. Clark was Gollum. There were parallels.

That ending felt a little off. Need I mention the cinnamon buns that never got taken out of the oven again? Cody was the only person who remembered the events of Christmas Eve. What happened on Christmas Eve for everyone else? What do they think happened? Their memories of Santa Jaws were completely wiped. The neighbour girl still had the comic that Cody burned to kill the shark. What? Oh, and Cody never checked in on his friend/partner or Clark, the comic book guy. Are Clark’s things still around? He used the pen to conjure a car, a bunch of money, and a Russian girlfriend names Svetlana. Is Svetlana still running around? Did she get erased when time reset itself or was she still created in this timeline? Was it all a dream? Then why did Cody know that the neighbour girl had the comic book? I’m super confused by the ending and only getting more confused by writing about it.

Santa Jaws was, overall, a fun and light shark horror movie that fit well into the holiday season. If you’re looking for something a little different, it might be up your alley. It has the Christmas spirit without being too overwhelming. It has the shark fun that SyFy usually resorts to in the summer, without losing any of the genuine effort that should go into movies. It’s one of the better shark movies that the channel has released. That was a fun way to kick off the new year of Sunday “Bad” Movies.

Now for a few notes:

• Santa Jaws featured Ritchie Montgomery, an actor who also appeared in Playing for Keeps (week 21), Monster in the Closet (week 55), and Road House 2: Last Call (week 200).
• Danny Cosmo was also in Road House 2: Last Call (week 200) and Santa Jaws.
• You might have noticed Jim Klock in Santa Jaws. He was previously seen in American Ultra (week 261).
• Finally, Santa Jaws featured Carrie Lazar from Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver (week 302).
• Have you seen Santa Jaws? What did you think of it? Was it filled with as many influences as I thought it was? Let me know on Twitter or in the comments.
• Twitter and the comments section are the perfect places to find me and suggest movies I should be covering for Sunday “Bad” Movies. Get those suggestions in so I can schedule them at some point.
• Sunday “Bad” Movies is on Instagram. Head on over there to see what’s cooking.
• Finally, let’s talk about next week. It will be a franchise week. Yes, it’s that time again. I’ll be revisiting a franchise that has been covered before, which has three Christmas movies in it. Well, one Christmas movie in it and two Christmas spin-offs. I only covered the first three films in the franchise before, and now I’m moving to the next one. I’ll be watching Santa Buddies, The Search for Santa Paws, and Santa Paws 2: The Santa Pups. I don’t know exactly what to expect. Hopefully they’re more Snow Buddies than Space Buddies in quality. One can only hope. See you next week for that one.