The VelociPastor (2018)

To most people, bad movies are just that. They’re bad. Many of the qualities within them are irredeemable. Poor acting takes people out of the story. Bad dialogue rings hollow. Bad cinematography can make it near impossible to become immersed in a world. However, many bad movies can find an audience, a following, who become devoted fans. The poor acting can lead to interesting performance choices that people latch onto. The bad dialogue could lead to memorable lines that might not otherwise have stuck in people’s heads. The poor cinematography could lead to some unique visuals. It all depends on how a person chooses to digest the movie.

Bad movies could also inspire people. That was the case with The VelociPastor, a modern B-movie that clearly took inspiration from the bad movies that writer/director Brendan Steere grew up on. It didn’t have a big budget, being thrown together for a modest forty thousand dollars, approximately. The story didn’t strive to be much more than what the title promised. The acting was purposefully stiff and there were filmmaking jokes through the entire runtime. It was a love letter to bad movies while being one itself.

The VelociPastor was about Doug Jones (Greg Cohan), a priest who watched his family be killed in a car explosion outside his church. The senior priest at the church told him to travel for a bit to ease his pain, so Doug went to China. He found a talisman of some sort that cut his hand. When he returned to the United States, he discovered that the talisman had given him powers. He turned into a velociraptor at night and ate bad people. Doug teamed up with a prostitute named Carol (Alyssa Kempinski) to fight the bad in their city, including an offshoot religious order that had a nefarious plan to convert as many people as possible.

The original conception of The VelociPastor was a text message gone wrong. Brendan Steere, the director, was messaging someone when his phone autocorrected the word velociraptor to say Veloci Pastor. That pushed him to include a grindhouse trailer for The VelociPastor in his student film for The School of Visual Arts in Manhattan. After that, his imagination went wild and he spent years trying to get funding for a feature length version. Six years and forty thousand dollars later, he was making the movie.

Much like the original trailer was inspired by the grindhouse trailers that came before, the feature length version of The VelociPastor was inspired by the grindhouse movies that came before. And many other bad movies along the way. A few scenes and moments truly stood out as capturing the various fumbles that bad movies made. Sometimes the movie tried a little too hard, but it was always easy to tell that there was an appreciation for the entertainment value that the bad movies provided.

The first moment that really hammered home the appreciation of bad movies was when Doug witnessed the murder of his parents. He walked out of his church and saw his parents standing by their car across the street. He waved and the car immediately exploded. That wasn’t shown on screen, however. Instead of showing the explosion, the movie cut to the empty street filled with explosion sounds. Over the emptiness was text stating “VFX: Car on fire.” It was text for the editor to know where to insert the visual effects. The implication was that the effects were forgotten as the movie was released. The forgotten effects were a part of many different bad movies over the years, though not usually with the editorial text, and The VelociPastor was paying tribute to it in that moment.

Soon after, Doug Jones went on a trip to clear his head. He was walking through the woods in a white t-shirt with a backpack. Some giant text came on the screen telling the audience where he was. It said “CHINA”. Doug continued walking through the woods. He pulled some branches out of his way and repeated the location. “China”. He was clearly not in China. He was in the woods wherever they were shooting in the United States. This was probably due to the budget limitations of The VelociPastor, but it was played up as a joke about movies being set in one location while being shot in another. It also played into the fact that low-budget movies, primarily the ones of the bad ilk, frequently used the woods as an overarching location blanket. Trees are trees and could be trees anywhere. A location simply needs to be mentioned to build the suspension of disbelief that the woods are in that place.

The bad acting of grindhouse flicks and bad movies was played up throughout The VelociPastor. The performances were pretty good, nailing the stilted acting and forced emotion of other movies. There were multiple scenes where characters knelt on the ground to hold dying friends as their lives faded away. One of them was even set on a Vietnam War battlefield, evoking many an emotional war movie moment.

Then there was a scene in which Doug Jones and Carol devised their plan to clean up the city. They talked it through, connecting in the process. Everything was hinting at a romantic relationship between the two characters. They stopped talking. They looked longingly into each others’ eyes. All of a sudden, they broke the seriousness and executed one of the most stiff, awkward high fives. It was one of those strange moments that frequently come up in bad movies for no real reason but put into this one as a loving jab at those kinds of things.

The VelociPastor’s dialogue was another of the things that managed to capture the feel of bad movies, in an intentional way. From the very beginning, when Father Stewart (Daniel Steere) said “So your parents died, Doug. It’s what parents do. They die.” to when Doug claimed “Dinosaurs never existed, and even if they did, I didn’t transform into one,” the dialogue was full of the kinds of statements and exclamations featured in movies that were pumped out quickly or without talent at writing realistic speech. Again, it felt intentional. For the most part.

The final part of The VelociRaptor that felt like a true sendup to the grindhouse flicks and bad movies that came before was the main story of Doug Jones versus the evil offshoot of the church. The villain’s plan was to release a strain of drugs that was four times more addictive than the rest. They would put the competition out of business then stop releasing the drug, causing the addicts to go into withdrawals. Those addicts would seek help, which would come in the form of church-operated help groups.

That wasn’t the only thing about the main story that was clearly a send-up to other movies. Most of the villain’s henchmen were ninjas, meaning that there was going to be some martial arts style fighting during the climax. Carol got in on the action, kicking some ass on her own. There was also a twist where the number two to the villain revealed himself to be Doug’s forgotten brother, out for revenge because Doug got all the attention in their family. That was the trifecta of tropes in The VelociPastor. There was holding people while they died, there were ninjas, and there was the twist of there being a secret brother.

Some people might not like The VelociPastor because it was a self-aware bad movie that was intentionally incorporating all the bad elements. It wasn’t as genuine a bad movie as something like Birdemic: Shock and Terror, Miami Connection, or The Room. That said, it was a well put together sendup to bad movies and grindhouse flicks. Brendan Steere’s love for the movies he watched growing up clearly came through in how well he was able to utilize the many tropes and qualities they had.

Bad movies are simply seen as bad by many people. Others see them as an inspiration. They could be a case of a budding filmmaker realizing they could make something if someone else could. They could be an inspiration for a storyline that another filmmaker could take a shot at and potentially do a better job with. Or, as in the case of Brendan Steere, bad movies could be a significant source of entertainment that he felt the desire to share his love for. The way that bad movies inspire filmmakers doesn’t matter. The fact that they can be an inspiration at all is only proof that they deserve to exist. The good, the bad, the in between. They all deserve to be here.

These notes also deserve to be here:

• Miami Connection (week 23), The Room (week 25), and Birdemic: Shock and Terror (week 100) were each mentioned in this post.
• Have you seen The VelociPastor? What did you think of it? Did it lose something by being self-aware? Tell me all about it in the comments or on Twitter.
• You can also find me on Twitter or in the comments if you have any movies you think I should be checking out for future Sunday “Bad” Movies weeks. I’m finalizing the next chunk of the schedule and your suggestions might be able to slip in.
• As always, head on over to Instagram for more Sunday “Bad”Movies fun.
• Guess what? Next week is the eighth anniversary of the Sunday “Bad” Movies! I’ll try to make sure the post is on time for that one. I can’t guarantee anything because Black Friday is coming up, which means a busy weekend at work. If I have any time, I might try to get a bonus post up and going too. That’s only if I have time. For now, I need to focus on next week’s post, a rewatch of Wing Commander (week 394). That’s right. Wing Commander won the rewatch tournament, so I’ll be giving that a second poke this year. I’ll see you when I get that post up.