Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

When you look at bad movies, two genres tend to find the most success.  Horror will always find an audience.  Fans of horror have more passion than nearly any other genre, pushing people to see everything and anything coming out with a spooky story.  There are fans of theatrical releases, video releases, big budget, low budget, and no budget horror films.  Very few horror movies fall through the cracks to find no audience.  The other genre of bad movies that finds success is action.  Regardless of the budget, action movies try to have fun with everything they do.  That’s how you get things like Miami Connection and Samurai Cop.  They go all out to bring entertainment through the action.

Another big part of the success of action movies is the dialogue.  In the good action movies, there could be some great one-liners and solid banter between the lead characters.  In bad action movies, though, there are one-liners that end up being hilarious for how poorly written they are.  There is insane dialogue that you wouldn’t find anywhere else.  Characters talk as though they are insane people, fueled only by action, sex, and friendship.  And it makes things just as enjoyable as the good, well thought out dialogue.

Hard Ticket to Hawaii fell into the extremely fun bad side of things.  The only way that the movie could be considered a great action movie was through the lens of bad movies.  It wasn’t a polished studio movie.  The dialogue was asinine at points and hilarious at others.  The character motivations were all over the place.  It did have a well-defined, clear conflict, though.  It was easy to tell who was against who and why they were fighting.

Since the dialogue played such a big part in making Hard Ticket to Hawaii what it was, I’m going to be using certain lines as jumping-off points to discuss different aspects of the movie.  There was a lot of great, cheesy, bad movie action dialogue.  There should be more than enough to make for an interesting look into what made Hard Ticket to Hawaii tick.

ROWDY ABILENE

This is for the Molokai cops!

Hard Ticket to Hawaii was a 1987 crime action film.  Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) were two pilots who shipped goods between the Hawaiian Islands.  After landing on Molokai, they found two cases of diamonds.  The diamonds belonged to Seth Romero (Rodrigo Obregon), a local crime boss who had recently been involved in killing two Molokai police officers.  Donna and Taryn teamed up with Rowdy (Ronn Moss) and Jade (Harold Diamond) to take down Seth Romero, his crew, and his drug lord boss Mr. Chang (Peter Bromilow).

It might not seem like the conflict involved the Molokai cops too much.  They got killed at the beginning and their death was avenged, but the main conflict was more about the diamonds.  What their untimely death did was set the stage for how tough the bad guys were.  They had previously been a friendly bunch who were willing to bribe the police to keep their business going.  They no longer participated in the bribes and would kill anyone who trespassed into their business.  There was no nonsense with Seth Romero’s crew any longer.

The danger was important to set up since Donna, Taryn, Rowdy, and Jade would be fighting against Romero.  If they made a wrong move, they would die.  In most instances.  There were times when they made mistakes and didn’t die, but that will come up later.  The important thing was that their lives would be in danger because Romero’s men were merciless.  They would kill people just for being near their property.  The diamonds were even more motivation for them to kill.

DONNA

Taryn, we need to figure out what just happened. Let’s head along and hit the jacuzzi. I do my best thinking there.

There was a massive amount of nudity throughout Hard Ticket to Hawaii.  And there was one reason why.  Well, maybe four reasons is more accurate.  Four of the female characters in the movie were played by Playboy models.  Dona Speir had been Miss March of 1984.  Her partner in the film, Hope Marie Carlton had been Miss July of 1985.  Then there was Cynthia Brimhall, who had been Miss October of 1985.  She played Edy, the owner of a local restaurant that the main characters frequented.  Finally, there was Patty Duffek, Miss May of 1984, as a character named Pattycakes.

Director Andy Sidaris put these women’s bodies on show for the entire audience.  There were a couple sex scenes with Rowdy and Donna where Dona Speir’s assets were on full display.  The jacuzzi scene had Donna and Taryn topless in a hot tub discussing what they would do with the diamonds.  There was an entire scene where it was Edy getting changed out of her restaurant clothes and putting on some car driving clothes.  Their bodies were one of the main attractions of the movie, almost as prevalent as the spurts of action.

JADE

A bazooka, Rowdy?

ROWDY

It’s the only gun I can hit a moving target with.

There were a couple recurring jokes to happen throughout Hard Ticket to Hawaii.  One was the relationship between Donna and Rowdy that was more for titillation than anything.  Taryn was obsessed with being a James Bond type special agent.  Then there was the fact that Rowdy couldn’t shoot a gun properly.  That came up three different times, each with a different purpose to the gag.  Andy Sedaris kept the gag feeling fresh every time it happened.

The first time was during a chase scene that wasn’t much of a chase.  Rowdy and Jade were driving in their Jeep when they passed a man on a skateboard.  The man happened to work for Seth Romero.  The man met up with someone else in a car and they sped past Rowdy and Jade.  The man then got back onto his skateboard with a blow-up doll and a gun, and went on a ride to attack Jade and Rowdy.  Rowdy ended up shooting the man and the blow-up doll with a rocket launcher after Jade ran the Jeep into the man because “It’s the only gun I can hit a moving target with.”

Later in Hard Ticket to Hawaii, the good guys stormed Seth Romero’s base.  Jade and Rowdy were hiding behind a jeep while a bad guy ran across the porch of a house.  Rowdy shot at him four or five times without hitting him once.  The bad guy was also a pretty bad shot.  Jade turned, shot the bad guy, and chastised Rowdy’s shooting.

The final callback to the poor shooting ability was during the final standoff between the good guys and Mr. Chang.  Donna and Rowdy went to confront the drug lord in an office building.  The confrontation turned into Donna and Rowdy pulling guns while Mr. Chang threw a katana.  Chang wasn’t really moving, but the scene still ended on a joke where Rowdy mentioned that he probably would have missed his shot.  The recurring joke lasted right up until the final climactic scene.

ROWDY

Where the hell did that snake come from?

DONNA

Would you believe up through the toilet?

ROWDY

Just when you thought it was safe to take a pee.

A major side story throughout Hard Ticket to Hawaii was a toxic snake that was on the loose.  Donna and Taryn had brought a snake to Molokai to live on a wildlife reserve.  But they ended up grabbing the wrong snake.  They brought a dangerous snake that was filled with some sort of toxin.  This poisonous snake could kill anyone with a single bite.

During a fight over the diamonds with Seth Romero’s workers, the crate holding the snake was knocked over.  The snake escaped into the wild and went on the hunt.  A couple of tourists were killed by it on the beach.  Donna and Taryn found the bodies and couldn’t do anything about it because the danger of the diamonds came first.  The snake was left to roam Molokai looking for more people to prey on.

The snake would return as the diamond story was coming to an end.  Seth Romero was a villain who would not die.  Donna took him down twice and he just kept coming.  She hid in the bathroom.  Everything seemed fine in there until the snake shot up out of the toilet.  Donna fled.  Seth came to again and fought the snake before being fatally bitten.  Then Rowdy showed up and shot the reptile with his rocket launcher.

It was a weird addition to Hard Ticket to Hawaii.  The snake probably could have been completely removed from the movie without really affecting anything that was going on.  Seth’s death would have had to be changed, but that’s about it.  The snake’s tale was completely separate from everything that was going on up to that point.

ROWDY

Hey Colleen! You’ve got a great ass!

COLLEEN

So do you pilgrim.

The final thing I want to bring up is the most famous scene in Hard Ticket to Hawaii.  There was one moment of direct reference to the two Molokai police officers that were killed by Seth Romero’s men.  One of the workers, I don’t know his name, went to the beach every day to play frisbee with a woman named Colleen.  Rowdy and his pals decided to get their first revenge against Romero by targeting this man during one of his frisbee sessions.

Rowdy showed up and joined Colleen for some frisbee.  When the other guy showed up, Rowdy told Colleen to leave.  As she was walking away, he commented on her ass.  Then he pulled out a frisbee with razor blades stuck in it.  He tossed that frisbee to the man, who had already been playing frisbee while holding his gun, and killed him with the blades.  If you’ve ever watched a bad movie death compilation on YouTube, this clip was sure to be in there.

There was a lot to unpack with Hard Ticket to Hawaii.  There were things that haven’t been mentioned that were equally as insane as the rest of the movie.  The opening credits were on the sides, bottoms, and tops of wooden shipping crates.  The good guys kept the diamonds after everything was said and done.  One of the woman side characters was revealed to be a man about two thirds of the way through the movie then never had another line of dialogue.  They blew up a helicopter.  There was a whole Hard Ticket to Hawaii song that played over a plane ride at the beginning.  And there was a sports reporter who came to Hawaii to cover some football players, almost lost his job because the football players said a word that I can’t write here, and then managed to keep his job because the connection with the headquarters wasn’t working.  I could keep going.

Looking into Hard Ticket to Hawaii for this post, I discovered that it was the beginning of a long series of movies.  I didn’t know that.  There will definitely be a time when I return to the franchise.  The adventures of Donna, Taryn, and the rest will be coming back to the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  That’s a guarantee.

Some of the best bad movies have come out of the action genre.  Miami Connection made everyone care about taekwondo and Dragon Sound, so much that a Dragon Sound song was featured in a Far Cry game.  Samurai Cop gained such a big cult following that a sequel was released more than two decades later.  Hard Ticket to Hawaii might not be quite as popular as those two, but it has the same sort of magical b-level action fun.  It’s a movie that should be checked out.

These notes should be checked out too:

• Miami Connection (week 23) and Samurai Cop (week 66) were mentioned in this post.
• Glen Chin was in Hard Ticket to Hawaii.  He could previously be seen in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (week 184).
• The other actor to appear in Hard Ticket to Hawaii was Peter Bromilow, who showed up in Breakin’ (week 350).
• Have you seen Hard Ticket to Hawaii?  What were your thoughts?  Do you think it’s as entertaining as I did?  Let me know on Twitter or in the comments.
• I’m always looking for any suggestions about what to watch for future Sunday “Bad” Movies weeks.  You can tell me on Twitter.  I’ll notice there.  Or you can leave it in the comments, which I do read when there are any.
• There’s an Instagram account for the Sunday “Bad” Movies, which you might want to check out.  There’s stuff happening there sometimes.
• As for next week, I’ll be checking out a sequel to something I watched a while back.  I haven’t seen too many foreign language movies for the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  But I’ll be covering one next week.  That movie will be Death Tube 2, the sequel to Death Tube (week 201).  And I’ll have some stuff to write about it.  See you when that post is up.