Hard Ticket to Hawaii (1987)

When you look at bad movies, two genres tend to find the most success.  Horror will always find an audience.  Fans of horror have more passion than nearly any other genre, pushing people to see everything and anything coming out with a spooky story.  There are fans of theatrical releases, video releases, big budget, low budget, and no budget horror films.  Very few horror movies fall through the cracks to find no audience.  The other genre of bad movies that finds success is action.  Regardless of the budget, action movies try to have fun with everything they do.  That’s how you get things like Miami Connection and Samurai Cop.  They go all out to bring entertainment through the action.

Another big part of the success of action movies is the dialogue.  In the good action movies, there could be some great one-liners and solid banter between the lead characters.  In bad action movies, though, there are one-liners that end up being hilarious for how poorly written they are.  There is insane dialogue that you wouldn’t find anywhere else.  Characters talk as though they are insane people, fueled only by action, sex, and friendship.  And it makes things just as enjoyable as the good, well thought out dialogue.

Hard Ticket to Hawaii fell into the extremely fun bad side of things.  The only way that the movie could be considered a great action movie was through the lens of bad movies.  It wasn’t a polished studio movie.  The dialogue was asinine at points and hilarious at others.  The character motivations were all over the place.  It did have a well-defined, clear conflict, though.  It was easy to tell who was against who and why they were fighting.

Since the dialogue played such a big part in making Hard Ticket to Hawaii what it was, I’m going to be using certain lines as jumping-off points to discuss different aspects of the movie.  There was a lot of great, cheesy, bad movie action dialogue.  There should be more than enough to make for an interesting look into what made Hard Ticket to Hawaii tick.

ROWDY ABILENE

This is for the Molokai cops!

Hard Ticket to Hawaii was a 1987 crime action film.  Donna (Dona Speir) and Taryn (Hope Marie Carlton) were two pilots who shipped goods between the Hawaiian Islands.  After landing on Molokai, they found two cases of diamonds.  The diamonds belonged to Seth Romero (Rodrigo Obregon), a local crime boss who had recently been involved in killing two Molokai police officers.  Donna and Taryn teamed up with Rowdy (Ronn Moss) and Jade (Harold Diamond) to take down Seth Romero, his crew, and his drug lord boss Mr. Chang (Peter Bromilow).

It might not seem like the conflict involved the Molokai cops too much.  They got killed at the beginning and their death was avenged, but the main conflict was more about the diamonds.  What their untimely death did was set the stage for how tough the bad guys were.  They had previously been a friendly bunch who were willing to bribe the police to keep their business going.  They no longer participated in the bribes and would kill anyone who trespassed into their business.  There was no nonsense with Seth Romero’s crew any longer.

The danger was important to set up since Donna, Taryn, Rowdy, and Jade would be fighting against Romero.  If they made a wrong move, they would die.  In most instances.  There were times when they made mistakes and didn’t die, but that will come up later.  The important thing was that their lives would be in danger because Romero’s men were merciless.  They would kill people just for being near their property.  The diamonds were even more motivation for them to kill.

DONNA

Taryn, we need to figure out what just happened. Let’s head along and hit the jacuzzi. I do my best thinking there.

There was a massive amount of nudity throughout Hard Ticket to Hawaii.  And there was one reason why.  Well, maybe four reasons is more accurate.  Four of the female characters in the movie were played by Playboy models.  Dona Speir had been Miss March of 1984.  Her partner in the film, Hope Marie Carlton had been Miss July of 1985.  Then there was Cynthia Brimhall, who had been Miss October of 1985.  She played Edy, the owner of a local restaurant that the main characters frequented.  Finally, there was Patty Duffek, Miss May of 1984, as a character named Pattycakes.

Director Andy Sidaris put these women’s bodies on show for the entire audience.  There were a couple sex scenes with Rowdy and Donna where Dona Speir’s assets were on full display.  The jacuzzi scene had Donna and Taryn topless in a hot tub discussing what they would do with the diamonds.  There was an entire scene where it was Edy getting changed out of her restaurant clothes and putting on some car driving clothes.  Their bodies were one of the main attractions of the movie, almost as prevalent as the spurts of action.

JADE

A bazooka, Rowdy?

ROWDY

It’s the only gun I can hit a moving target with.

There were a couple recurring jokes to happen throughout Hard Ticket to Hawaii.  One was the relationship between Donna and Rowdy that was more for titillation than anything.  Taryn was obsessed with being a James Bond type special agent.  Then there was the fact that Rowdy couldn’t shoot a gun properly.  That came up three different times, each with a different purpose to the gag.  Andy Sedaris kept the gag feeling fresh every time it happened.

The first time was during a chase scene that wasn’t much of a chase.  Rowdy and Jade were driving in their Jeep when they passed a man on a skateboard.  The man happened to work for Seth Romero.  The man met up with someone else in a car and they sped past Rowdy and Jade.  The man then got back onto his skateboard with a blow-up doll and a gun, and went on a ride to attack Jade and Rowdy.  Rowdy ended up shooting the man and the blow-up doll with a rocket launcher after Jade ran the Jeep into the man because “It’s the only gun I can hit a moving target with.”

Later in Hard Ticket to Hawaii, the good guys stormed Seth Romero’s base.  Jade and Rowdy were hiding behind a jeep while a bad guy ran across the porch of a house.  Rowdy shot at him four or five times without hitting him once.  The bad guy was also a pretty bad shot.  Jade turned, shot the bad guy, and chastised Rowdy’s shooting.

The final callback to the poor shooting ability was during the final standoff between the good guys and Mr. Chang.  Donna and Rowdy went to confront the drug lord in an office building.  The confrontation turned into Donna and Rowdy pulling guns while Mr. Chang threw a katana.  Chang wasn’t really moving, but the scene still ended on a joke where Rowdy mentioned that he probably would have missed his shot.  The recurring joke lasted right up until the final climactic scene.

ROWDY

Where the hell did that snake come from?

DONNA

Would you believe up through the toilet?

ROWDY

Just when you thought it was safe to take a pee.

A major side story throughout Hard Ticket to Hawaii was a toxic snake that was on the loose.  Donna and Taryn had brought a snake to Molokai to live on a wildlife reserve.  But they ended up grabbing the wrong snake.  They brought a dangerous snake that was filled with some sort of toxin.  This poisonous snake could kill anyone with a single bite.

During a fight over the diamonds with Seth Romero’s workers, the crate holding the snake was knocked over.  The snake escaped into the wild and went on the hunt.  A couple of tourists were killed by it on the beach.  Donna and Taryn found the bodies and couldn’t do anything about it because the danger of the diamonds came first.  The snake was left to roam Molokai looking for more people to prey on.

The snake would return as the diamond story was coming to an end.  Seth Romero was a villain who would not die.  Donna took him down twice and he just kept coming.  She hid in the bathroom.  Everything seemed fine in there until the snake shot up out of the toilet.  Donna fled.  Seth came to again and fought the snake before being fatally bitten.  Then Rowdy showed up and shot the reptile with his rocket launcher.

It was a weird addition to Hard Ticket to Hawaii.  The snake probably could have been completely removed from the movie without really affecting anything that was going on.  Seth’s death would have had to be changed, but that’s about it.  The snake’s tale was completely separate from everything that was going on up to that point.

ROWDY

Hey Colleen! You’ve got a great ass!

COLLEEN

So do you pilgrim.

The final thing I want to bring up is the most famous scene in Hard Ticket to Hawaii.  There was one moment of direct reference to the two Molokai police officers that were killed by Seth Romero’s men.  One of the workers, I don’t know his name, went to the beach every day to play frisbee with a woman named Colleen.  Rowdy and his pals decided to get their first revenge against Romero by targeting this man during one of his frisbee sessions.

Rowdy showed up and joined Colleen for some frisbee.  When the other guy showed up, Rowdy told Colleen to leave.  As she was walking away, he commented on her ass.  Then he pulled out a frisbee with razor blades stuck in it.  He tossed that frisbee to the man, who had already been playing frisbee while holding his gun, and killed him with the blades.  If you’ve ever watched a bad movie death compilation on YouTube, this clip was sure to be in there.

There was a lot to unpack with Hard Ticket to Hawaii.  There were things that haven’t been mentioned that were equally as insane as the rest of the movie.  The opening credits were on the sides, bottoms, and tops of wooden shipping crates.  The good guys kept the diamonds after everything was said and done.  One of the woman side characters was revealed to be a man about two thirds of the way through the movie then never had another line of dialogue.  They blew up a helicopter.  There was a whole Hard Ticket to Hawaii song that played over a plane ride at the beginning.  And there was a sports reporter who came to Hawaii to cover some football players, almost lost his job because the football players said a word that I can’t write here, and then managed to keep his job because the connection with the headquarters wasn’t working.  I could keep going.

Looking into Hard Ticket to Hawaii for this post, I discovered that it was the beginning of a long series of movies.  I didn’t know that.  There will definitely be a time when I return to the franchise.  The adventures of Donna, Taryn, and the rest will be coming back to the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  That’s a guarantee.

Some of the best bad movies have come out of the action genre.  Miami Connection made everyone care about taekwondo and Dragon Sound, so much that a Dragon Sound song was featured in a Far Cry game.  Samurai Cop gained such a big cult following that a sequel was released more than two decades later.  Hard Ticket to Hawaii might not be quite as popular as those two, but it has the same sort of magical b-level action fun.  It’s a movie that should be checked out.

These notes should be checked out too:

• Miami Connection (week 23) and Samurai Cop (week 66) were mentioned in this post.
• Glen Chin was in Hard Ticket to Hawaii.  He could previously be seen in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (week 184).
• The other actor to appear in Hard Ticket to Hawaii was Peter Bromilow, who showed up in Breakin’ (week 350).
• Have you seen Hard Ticket to Hawaii?  What were your thoughts?  Do you think it’s as entertaining as I did?  Let me know on Twitter or in the comments.
• I’m always looking for any suggestions about what to watch for future Sunday “Bad” Movies weeks.  You can tell me on Twitter.  I’ll notice there.  Or you can leave it in the comments, which I do read when there are any.
• There’s an Instagram account for the Sunday “Bad” Movies, which you might want to check out.  There’s stuff happening there sometimes.
• As for next week, I’ll be checking out a sequel to something I watched a while back.  I haven’t seen too many foreign language movies for the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  But I’ll be covering one next week.  That movie will be Death Tube 2, the sequel to Death Tube (week 201).  And I’ll have some stuff to write about it.  See you when that post is up.

Pets to the Rescue (2002) and Sibling Relationships in Movies

Siblings are something that most people have.  Sure, there are the only children who grew up on their own, but most people have at least a brother or a sister to go through life with.  The relationships between siblings can be vastly different.  There can be a loving relationship, whether it be mentor and mentee or two people just going through the world together, keeping each other company and building each other up.  There can be the relationship where siblings can just go about their lives separately, living in the same house, but barely interacting outside of the bare minimum.  Or there’s the irritation relationship where the siblings go at each other every time they come together.  They do nothing but fight.

Most relationships between siblings are a mixture.  There are moments that they’ll be fighting fiercer than any other two people could fight.  At other times, they’ll be the most supportive people in each other’s lives.  Then there are the times when they want nothing to do with each other.  That’s how life goes, especially between siblings.  There can be love.  There can be hate.  Relationships are always that way.

The relationships that siblings have with one another have been a major part of movies for many years.  Not all movies dive utilize siblings.  If a story can work without a sibling, then a main character won’t have any siblings mentioned.  But when there is a side of the story that involves siblings, the relationship is a key part to understanding the family.  That understanding will deepen a story and connect the audience better to the characters.  At least, that’s the intention.

One movie that comes to mind with a fairly accurate depiction of sibling relationships is This is Where I Leave You.  Four siblings, as well as their mother and other close family relations, reunite upon the death of their father.  Each sibling went on to live their own lives, separate from each other.  Some of the siblings were closer, leading to one defending another in a physical way.  Some felt like the ignored child, the one who always messed things up and couldn’t live up to the expectations set by the rest of them.  There were even physical altercations between two brothers who didn’t get along.  It covered all bases in a realistic way.

But this is the Sunday “Bad” Movies, and that’s a pretty good movie.  Bad movies have their share of sibling drama as well.  They don’t tend to be as finely tuned, instead choosing to show a heightened relationship, whether it’s on the positive or negative side of emotions.  People will say things that sound outrageous.  Some might be more realistic, though less fitting of a movie.  Others will just be ludicrous.

Beginning with the more contentious sibling relationship, we have this week’s movie, Pets to the Rescue.  The movie was about two siblings who were grounded in their farmhouse.  A band of thieves showed up and took them hostage.  The younger child’s pets banded together to get their owners out of the predicament.  There was a goat, a pig, a dog, a duck, and some chickens.

The reason for the relationship to be a not-so-good one was that the siblings would have to band together in the end and grow respect for one another.  They were being held hostage together and would only make it out with teamwork and the help of the pets.  That’s why, at the beginning, the siblings were irritating one another.  The sister wouldn’t do any of the chores, leaving the brother to do them all.  The brother would constantly tease the sister.  This culminated in a moment when he opened her bedroom door and made fun of how small her breasts were.  This wasn’t quite appropriate for a children’s movie, but it set their relationship up so that it could change by the end.

This same sort of thing happened in the 1989 film Elves.  It was much more extreme in the Christmas horror movie.  There was the same sort of arc for the siblings.  At the beginning of the movie, they would be at each other’s throats.  By the end, they would come to an understanding and need to work together to stop the elf.  The only difference was that things were turned up to eleven.  The brother again made mention of the sister’s breasts.  Only, he was looking at his naked sister in the shower.  When she confronted him, he said “You’ve got fucking big tits and I’m gonna tell everyone I saw them!”  That’s crazy for a kid to say to his sister.  That moment had the same sort of meaning to the story as the breasts moment in Pets to the Rescue.  It was meant to set up the relationship that would grow between the siblings.

Rabid Love was a movie that showcased the “just kind of there” sibling relationship.  The main character’s boyfriend was the brother of the main character’s best friend.  That didn’t need to be the case, since it didn’t affect the story in any way, whatsoever.  It would have been the same exact story whether the characters were siblings or not.  They just kind of lived their lives.  There wasn’t any great affection for one another and there wasn’t any hate.  It was that middle ground of a sibling relationship that really highlighted how they could just be two people living in the same circle but not really caring one way or the other.

That sort of relationship doesn’t tend to get as much screentime in movies outside of background children characters.  Like, if the main characters are adults and the adults are the ones being followed, but the adults have kids who don’t really have any story outside of being there, they might get relegated to the barely there sibling relationship.  Most movies focus on the negative relationship or positive relationship because they can drive the story forward.

And with that, let’s get to the positive side of things.  One of the Sunday “Bad” Movies that showed a loving sibling relationship that drove the story forward was Jem and the Holograms.  Two sisters and two foster sisters formed a band and became internet famous.  When the lead singer was forced to go solo by a record producer, she realized that she was only successful because of her love for her siblings and went back to them instead of following through on the producer’s wishes.  Sibling love saved the day.

Some movies go to extremes to show sibling relationships.  It could be the contentiousness of something like Pets to the Rescue or Elves.  Or it could be the loving relationship shown in Jem and the Holograms.  Few movies go to great lengths to show the non-sibling sibling relationship.  And then there are the movies that are much more grounded and realistic, like This is Where I Leave You.  Siblings are an important part of everyday life and end up being an important part of movies because of it.

Most people have at least one sibling.  That’s not always the case.  There are only children out there.  But, for the most part, with the world’s population constantly growing, people have siblings.  Movies represent this fairly well by having characters with siblings.  Whether that’s a major part of the story or not, a sibling relationship can give depth to a character or give them added motivation.  It helps to tell a fuller, more realistic story.  Even if the plot is outlandish.  And that’s key.  Real and relatable goes a long way in storytelling.  Siblings can add a lot.

These notes won’t add to much this week:

• Jem and the Holograms (week 238), Elves (week 106), and Rabid Love (week 341) were mentioned in this post.
• George Hamilton was in Pets to the Rescue.  He was also in Sextette (week 141).
• Pets to the Rescue featured Jay Benedict, who was in Double Team (week 193).
• This week saw the second Sunday “Bad” Movies appearance of David S. Lee, who was in Free Birds (week 209).
• Finally, Greg Evigan from 6 Guns (week 247) was in Pets to the Rescue.
• Have you seen Pets to the Rescue?  I doubt you have.  What are some of your favourite depictions of siblings on film?  What were some outrageous bad movie siblings?  Let me know in the comments or on Twitter.
• I’m always on the lookout for bad movies I might not know about.  If you have any suggestions, Twitter or the comments are where you can get them to me.
• There’s an Instagram account for the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  You should give that a peek.
• And with that, we move onto the next week.  It’s a big one.  That doesn’t mean it’s a big number.  It’s a big movie, though.  I’m going to be taking a look at Hard Ticket to Hawaii, a bad movie that has become notorious.  There are a few reasons for that, which I may get into next week.  You’ll find out when the post comes out.  I’ll see you then.