The Many Storylines of Valentine's Day (2010)

February is a month dedicated to groundhogs, love, and black history.  This week is all about the love.  I’m tapping into the Valentine’s Day buzz.  Today is the day that people buy people things with hearts on them to show that they can share material love.  It is the day that caused me to go to Walmart and find a bunch of twerking animal toys that move their butts to different songs. (On a sidenote, there was one that twerked to Jason Derulo’s Talk Dirty to Me with perfect timing)  To celebrate the festivities of Valentine’s Day, I watched the ensemble romantic movie Valentine’s Day.

Released in 2010, Valentine’s Day was set in Los Angeles and contained many storylines.  It had a large cast and wasn’t that bad.  The Garry Marshall directed movie had a spiritual sequel released in 2011 called New Year’s Eve, which I’ve already covered.  I wrote about ensemble movies in that post.  This time I want to dive right into the ensemble of this movie and look at the storylines and how they overlap.  I’ll cover as many as possible, and there will be spoilers based on the revealed connections.  Also note that I will be using the actors’ names instead of the characters’ names because it is easier that way.

Ashton Kutcher and Jessica Alba

Valentine’s Day began with Ashton Kutcher proposing to Jessica Alba as they woke up.  He was filled with joy when he ran outside and shouted that she said yes.  He noticed that all of the people he told seemed to be surprised about it.  Jessica Alba visited him later in the day, not wearing the engagement ring that he gave her.  She gave an excuse about not wanting to be bombarded with questions at work, though it seemed like there was more to it than that.  When Ashton Kutcher made a quick stop at his house during his flower delivery route, he found Jessica Alba packing up her things.  She couldn’t commit to their relationship.

Jennifer Garner and Patrick Dempsey

This storyline started with another couple waking up in bed.  Patrick Dempsey was putting on a suit to leave for the airport for a doctor job in San Francisco.  Jennifer Garner wished him well and watched him leave.  After getting dressed, she headed to Ashton Kutcher’s floral shop to talk about how much she loved this guy.  There was only one problem.  The audience saw that Patrick Dempsey went home to his wife, not to San Francisco.  Jennifer Garner was his mistress in an affair.  He went to the floral shop later and asked Ashton Kutcher to deliver flowers to his two ladies.  Ashton Kutcher decided to tell Jennifer Garner what is happening.  He went to the school she taught at and tried unsuccessfully to tell her.  When Jennifer Garner booked a flight to San Francisco, Ashton Kutcher tried to tell her again, but she wouldn’t listen.  She only realized the truth when she arrived in San Francisco and Patrick Dempsey wasn’t there.  She went back to Los Angeles and ruined Dempsey’s dinner with his wife, which ruined his marriage.

Ashton Kutcher and Jennifer Garner

It was obvious early in the movie that Ashton Kutcher and Jennifer Garner should have been a couple.  Everything happening in their love lives (the uncommitted girlfriend and the cheating boyfriend) was leading to the two of them getting together.  The crucial moment for their relationship was when Ashton Kutcher went to the airport to find her and compared her to sunshine.  At the end of the movie they met on the bridge outside Ashton Kutcher’s house and realized their mutual feelings which was when the voice on the radio said “Let’s get naked.”

Topher Grace and Anne Hathaway

Again, we started in bed.  All of the good looking people that were featured in this movie have already slept with each other prior to the start.  Upon waking, Anne Hathaway said she was late and ran out the door.  We found out that she was a phone sex entertainer.  She moonlit as an entertainer while temping at an agency run by Queen Latifah.  Topher Grace worked as a mailman at the same agency.  After making another date for that night, Topher Grace insulted Anne Hathaway when he found out about her secret job.  She left him and he went alone to a movie screening in a Hollywood cemetery.  During the movie, Topher Grace realized by watching another couple that he should love her and learn to appreciate her regardless of things he doesn’t like.  He went to her apartment, professed his love, and they boned until the morning.

Eric Dane

Eric Dane had a story almost entirely to himself.  He was a football player between seasons, waiting to see if his contract was going to be renewed or if he would be forced into free agency.  His agent was Queen Latifah.  When his team did not pick him up for another season, he decided that it was time to make a big move.  He held a press conference to say that he was gay.  He wanted to focus more on his love life than football.  His story concluded with his boyfriend coming home to see him.

Bradley Cooper and Julia Roberts

The storyline with Bradley Cooper and Julia Roberts took place on a plane flying to Los Angeles.  Bradley Cooper woke up (like everyone else in the movie) to Julia Roberts sleeping with her head on his shoulder.  Throughout the flight, they had friendly banter back and forth.  We found out that Julia Roberts was flying into town to see the man in her life.  Bradley Cooper lent her his car to meet her man, who was her son.  Meanwhile, Bradley Cooper headed off to meet up with Eric Dane, his boyfriend.  Oh, the twist.

Bryce Robinson

There was one character in Valentine’s Day who was a child.  There needed to be a child’s perspective on love and Valentine’s Day.  Bryce Robinson was that child.  Near the beginning of his storyline, he was taken to Ashton Kutcher’s floral shop by his grandfather Hector Elizondo.  He wanted to get flowers for the girl he loved.  He asked for them to be delivered during recess.  The flowers never showed up, though, and Bryce was forced to outright tell his love.  The girl he loved was his teacher, Jennifer Garner.  She said that he should be with someone his own age and pointed out a girl who shared many interests with him.  He turned his attention to that girl.  Oh, and his mom was Julia Roberts.

Hector Elizondo and Shirley MacLaine

As a counter to the child, there needed to be a love story between older people.  Hector Elizondo and Shirley MacLaine had been together forever.  They were the only relationship either of them had ever had, and they stood the test of time.  Or so everyone thought.  It was revealed that Shirley MacLaine once slept with someone else when Hector Elizondo was away for a long time.  He was heartbroken by the news and headed off to the Hollywood cemetery alone, where he met Topher Grace.  He discovered through conversation that he still loved her regardless of this one moment.  When Shirley MacLaine showed up at the cemetery looking for him, they made up.

Emma Roberts and Carter Jenkins

They were two high school sweethearts hoping to have sex for the first time during their lunch break.  Carter Jenkins went to Emma Roberts’s house, got naked, and started playing guitar.  Emma’s mom walked in on him.  There was an awkward scene before he streaked into the street.  Later, Emma Roberts confided in Hector Elizondo and Shirley MacLaine, the grandparents of Bryce Robinson, the kid she babysat.  Then she discovered that it was not the right time for her to have sex with Carter Jenkins and the two lived on sexless.

Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner

This was the most irritating storyline in Valentine’s Day.  These two were in a high school relationship.  It probably wouldn’t last.  Taylor Swift liked Taylor Lautner because he was a good looking athlete.  He liked her because she was a good looking dancer.  The only reason this storyline was a thing is because the two Taylors were actually going out in real life.

Jamie Foxx and Jessica Biel

This is the last relationship/story I have to cover.  Jamie Foxx was a sports reporter.  It was a slow day so he had been assigned a report about Valentine’s Day and love.  He didn’t like that.  When he found out about Eric Dane getting dropped from his team, Jamie Foxx left his assistant to do the reporting while he went to get an interview.  His way of doing this was to talk to Dane’s manager, Jessica Biel.  Jessica Biel didn’t like Valentine’s Day because she never had a date for it.  She was eating chocolate and whining in her office.  She confided in Jamie Foxx, and he got to be the first to ask Eric Dane a question after his press conference.  Later, he took Jessica Biel to the news station, before showing up at her “no date party” and saying he was her date.

Valentine’s Day was a movie with many relationships and storylines.  This is the kind of ensemble movie I truly enjoy, since it gave everyone their time to shine without making it focus primarily a small group of people within the group.  The interwoven storylines also made it fun to see how each of the characters fit into the larger scheme of things.  Much like New Year’s Eve, it worked pretty well in that regard.

I included Valentine’s Day in the Sunday “Bad” Movies because I hadn’t heard great things and the timing was perfect.  But it wasn’t that bad of a movie.  I enjoyed it and not because it was cheesy or poorly made.  I thought it was actually a good movie.  Mistakes like this come up once in a while, but that’s what makes these posts interesting.  Discovering things I like is part of the process.  You never know until you actually see something whether you’ll like it or not.

Will you like these notes?  Check them out:

• Valentine’s Day was directed by Garry Marshall, who also directed New Year’s Eve.
• Christina Lakin was in Valentine’s Day.  She was also in Parental Guidance, New Year’s Eve, and Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2.
• George Lopez has been in the Sunday “Bad” Movies with the three Beverly Hills Chihuahua movies.  Now he’s here with Valentine’s Day.
• Jessica Biel has been featured in three movies I’ve covered.  Playing for Keeps, New Year’s Eve, and Valentine’s Day have all featured the actress.
• Another third timer is Sandra Taylor, who has been in New Year’s Eve, Batman & Robin, and Valentine’s Day.
• Then there is Larry Miller, who has been in New Year’s Eve, Foodfight!, and Valentine’s Day.
• This is going to be a long boring list.  There were a lot of people in Valentine’s Day who were in New Year’s Eve.  Here they are: Shea Curry, Wedil David, Hector Elizondo, Stephanie Fabian, Beth Kennedy, Anna Kulinova, Ashton Kutcher, Barbara Marshall, Kathleen Marshall, Sam Marshall, Lily Marshall-Fricker, Jaclyn Miller, Serena Poon, Joey Sorge, Peter Allen Vogt, Matthew Walker, Anna A. White, Emily Moss Wilson, Greg Wilson, and Katie Witkowski.
• Joe Mantegna showed up in Valentine’s Day for a split second.  He was previously in Baby’s Day Out.
• Another second appearance comes from Heather Rose, who was in The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure.
• Rick L. Dean and Rance Howard were both in Valentine’s Day and Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2.
• Nicole Abramson was in Jack and Jill and Valentine’s Day.
• Finally, there is Taylor Lautner.  He was in Twilight, but I haven’t covered that.  A movie I have covered that he was in is Tracers.
• Have you seen Valentine’s Day?  What did you think of it?  Good or bad?  Use the comments below to talk about the movie or this post.
• If you have any movies that you think I should cover for the Sunday “Bad” Movies, feel free to tell me on Twitter or post your suggestions in the comments.
• Next week’s movie is A Sound of Thunder, a movie that I have seen bits and pieces of.  I know the basic idea and I’m interested in it.  I’ll see you next week with a post.

Chop Kick Panda (2011)

This week turned out a whole lot different than I expected.  The ideal situation was that I would have seen Fifty Shades of Black close to the beginning of the week, written about it, and had the post already done.  Alas, things don’t always work out in the perfect way.  I still haven’t seen Fifty Shades of Black while I’m writing this and I don’t know when I’m going to see it.  The movie of the week had to be changed mid-week to accommodate the difficulties I was having.  When all was said and done, I had watched the 41 minute animated flick, Chop Kick Panda.

Chop Kick Panda is a direct-to-video animated film from 2011.  It runs only 41 minutes long and was meant as a way to make a quick buck off of Kung Fu Panda.  You never would have guessed that, would you?  Zibo (Danny Katiana) is a panda who works as a janitor at Grand Master Hanh’s (Phil Lollar) dojo.  His main job is to mop the floor because that place probably gets super sweaty.  When Hanh’s evil brother Slade (also Danny Katiana) wants to take an amulet away, Zibo is the only person who can stop the evil deed.  Oh, and Zibo’s son Ming (Michael Van Citters) is visiting the dojo with his classmates.

Normally, especially lately, I would have an idea that I would base this post around.  This week, I don’t have that.  It could be because of the fact that I saw the movie late, compared to when I usually watch it.  It could be because any idea I have has been covered.  Or it could be that I want to compare it to Kung Fu Panda but I haven’t seen that in years.  Whatever the reasoning, I don’t have a strong enough concept to build this week’s post around.  That means that I’m going to revert to an idea that I can depend upon when I am in need.  No, not a full out review.  Let’s talk about some of the stranger moments of Chop Kick Panda.  Five?  Yeah.  I’m going to list five of the standout parts of Chop Kick Panda and write about why they stand out.

The Monkey

My favourite part of Chop Kick Panda was undoubtedly the monkey character.  One of the classmates that Ming brings along to the dojo is a monkey.  Every character is some type of animal.  I don’t remember the monkey’s name so I’m going to just call him the monkey.  He’s a silent character who gets used for the most comedic bits of the entire movie.  He also lends a hand in saving the day, and is indirectly the Robin to Zibo’s Batman.  If Zibo was to be the caped crusader.

His hero moment is foreshadowed early in the movie when Zibo is challenging the monkey to take rocks from his hand.  The monkey manages to do that with super speed, regardless of how many rocks Zibo puts in his hand.  One rock, the monkey gets it.  Two rocks, the monkey gets it.  A pile of rocks, the monkey gets it.  He does it with such speed that it doesn’t look like he moves at all.  Near the end of the movie, Slade has the medallion.  He overhears the kids talking about distracting him and stealing the medallion back.  Then the monkey manages to actually do it without moving.  He’s either magic or super quick.  Either way, he was fun to watch.  He also led to my next point, the most outlandish joke in the entire movie.

The Joke

Chop Kick Panda is a comedy for children.  It is filled to the brim with juvenile jokes meant to have kids laughing for a long time.  I smiled through most of the movie, enjoying the dumb humour throughout.  But there was one joke that topped all of the other jokes.  This single moment of pure, absurd jocularity made be break out in a laughing fit.  My brother was sitting in the room with me, staring at me like I was insane.  I couldn’t help it.  It was such a ludicrous joke that I broke.

Here it is.  So you have the four children in the dojo.  They are staying the night, so they’ve all gotten into their sleeping bags.  As they are falling asleep, Ming turns to Shiva (Alicyn Packard), the girl he has a crush on.  Remember they’re animals though, not actual people.  He talks to her for a bit and blushes.  It is meant to be a relationship building moment.  All of a sudden there is the sound of a loud, wet fart.  The “camera” pans down to the monkey poking his head out of his sleeping bag while wearing a gas mask.  Thick, green fumes are wafting out.  He waves his hand and directs them over to Rex (Alicyn Packard again), waking him up in a cloud of stink.  I don’t know what it is about that, but I was laughing hysterically.

Star Wars

Yes.  I’m going to talk a little bit about the story from long ago in a galaxy far, far away.  We all know about the Star Wars movies.  If you’re reading this, there is a 99.99% chance you’ve seen them.  Because why would you be spending your time on this instead of watching them for that first time?  Well, there are Star Wars references in Chop Kick Panda.  The franchise exists in their world.  I don’t know if it’s the same version that we know or a version acted by bipedal animals.  All I know is that it exists in their universe.

They reference Star Wars twice in Chop Kick Panda.  The first reference comes when Grand Master Hanh and Slade are fighting.  Hanh says an Obi-Wan Kenobi line that Slade mistakenly attributes to Yoda.  Slade then says he doesn’t care if it was Jar-Jar Pickles that said it.  After another correction, he says he doesn’t care about Jar-Jar, to which Hanh says Jar-Jar wasn’t his favourite character either.  The second reference is when Zibo says he’ll try to do his best.  Hanh responds with the famous Yoda quote “Do or do not, there is no try.”  Why?  I have no idea.  These references don’t make a whole lot of sense to me from a world building point of view.

The Animation

You will surely see an image at the end of this post that showcases the animation of Chop Kick Panda.  It will probably have as many of the characters as possible in the single shot since I always try to do that.  In there will be the monkey character that I love so much.  But the thing you will notice is that the animation resembles something that you would see from Nickelodeon.  Perhaps it’s not exactly the same as that.  It does feel like it would fit in among the late 90s, early 00s Nickelodeon and Cartoon Network boom though.

The Ending

Yes, I am going to discuss the ending to Chop Kick Panda right now.  If you don’t want to be spoiled on Chop Kick Panda, look away because this is going to be about the resolution and the final few minutes of the 41 minute film.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you.  This is your warning.

In the end, good triumphs over evil.  That’s what happens in movies, especially in children’s movies like Chop Kick Panda.  Zibo found out that the ability to master martial arts was in him the entire time.  Hanh even says that Zibo could be a Grand Master someday.  It’s the kind of ending that ties everything up in a nice, little bow.  But then some weird stuff happens.  All of a sudden, Zibo is a Grand Master.  Then the narration changes from a strong, adult voice to what I think was Ming’s voice.  Cut to credits.  I don’t quite understand the change in voice that happened.  It doesn’t make a whole lot of sense and it is what we are left to think back on.  Children probably don’t care when they’re watching the movie about who is doing the narration.  I do, however, and I can’t grasp what was going on with it.  Can Ming put on an adult voice, or was it future Ming transitioning into present Ming?  If it was the latter, that makes no sense.  Why not just have the whole thing be child Ming’s narration?  If it was the former… That’s just weird.  Either way, I am baffled by how Chop Kick Panda ends.

Chop Kick Panda ended up being one of the better animated rip-offs I’ve seen.  Having previously seen A Car’s Life, An Ant’s Life, and Tappy Toes for the Sunday “Bad” Movies, I’d put this one in the upper half.  Two of those movies are definitely a lot worse than this one.  It has a solid story, decent voice acting, and the animation isn’t bad in any way.  If any of the things I have mentioned in this post got you interested in any way, you might want to seek it out.  I got it for a dollar on DVD and don’t regret that purchase at all.  41 minutes that made me laugh is well worth the dollar.  Would you buy that for a dollar?

Now for some notes:

• I mentioned three other animated rip-offs near the end of this post.  Here are their posts.  A Car’s Life.  Tappy Toes.  An Ant’s Life.
• I also mentioned Star Wars in this post, so I’m going to link you guys to my post for Starcrash, a Star Wars rip-off.
• Director Darrell Van Citters also directed Tappy Toes.
• Chop Kick Panda featured two voice actors from Tappy Toes: Danny Katiana and Phil Lollar.
• Have you seen Chop Kick Panda?  What did you think about it?  You can discuss the movie in the comments section below.
• Are there any movies that you can think of that I should watch for the Sunday “Bad” Movies?  You can tell me on Twitter or in the comments section.  I’m always open to suggestions.
• Next week’s movie is Valentine’s Day in honour of Valentine’s Day since the post will drop on Valentine’s Day.  It’ll be an interesting one, I think.  Once again, it’s a movie I haven’t seen before.  But I did watch its spiritual sequel New Year’s Eve a couple years ago.  It has a big cast of recognizable people, many of whom have already been featured in the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  Come back next week to find out who, and to read my thoughts on the movie or a topic related to it.