Bermuda Tentacles (2014)

By this point, everyone and their brother knows about The Asylum.  This is a movie studio that produces many low-quality movies that either go to the SyFy channel (Space here in Canada), or direct-to-video.  Most of these movies are rip-offs of popular films at the time of their release.  The Asylum is also a big name in animal/monster attack movies.  People know about their movies thanks to the exposure of Sharknado.  I’m not here to write about Sharknado.  Instead, I am taking a look at another movie from The Asylum that has another crazy idea and another cast of people whose careers were bigger in decades past.  That movie would be Bermuda Tentacles.

Bermuda Tentacles is a 2014 movie with a wacky name that gives the basic idea for the movie.  After Air Force One goes down in the Bermuda Triangle, a group of military personnel are sent to retrieve their leader.  Among the group is rebellious Chief Trip Oliver (Trevor Donovan), the leader of an elite squad of soldiers.  He shows disrespect for his superiors, one of which is Admiral Linda Hansen (Linda Hamilton).  Rounding out the ragtag group of military people are Dr. Zimmer (Jamie Kennedy) and Lt. Plumber (Mya).  The group encounters mysterious tentacles while in the Bermuda Triangle.  The tentacles attack them, putting their mission in jeopardy.

As with many other movies of this nature, Bermuda Tentacles is much more focused on attempting to be extremely dumb fun than actually being a great movie.  It falls into many of the major tropes with this kind of movie.  The main character refuses to listen to his superiors and instead does things the way he wants to.  In the end, he is successful and the superior gives him a pat on the back.  The superior is a hard-ass who has a history with the main character’s rebellious ways.  The doctor is interchangeable with a scientist.  The black guy dies first.  Everyone that isn’t one of the main four is expendable.  The whole movie is predictable and filled with things that you’ve probably seen before.

That doesn’t make it any less entertaining.  In fact, the tropes only help to make the movie better.  The movie is completely ridiculous and the inclusion of each trope helps to only further how wacky it is.  It takes the crazy elements of the action movies that it is trying to emulate, and wraps them in the Asylum style to make something that exceeds the quality of most movies that attempt to capture the qualities of big budget Hollywood action films.  They aren’t as polished as some of the movies but they use the tropes to create something that only The Asylum could produce.

I don’t mean to insinuate that Bermuda Tentacles is a great movie, though.  It does have some major setbacks.  The acting is serviceable but nothing really stands out.  The characters could have been played by anyone and still ended up with the same results.  The effects in the movie, though better than many of the studio’s previous efforts, still aren’t anything special.  If I weren’t so familiar with the studio, I might find them offputting.  And the story, though playing with the tropes better than many other movies, still doesn’t become an outright stellar movie.  It’s still a dumb, fun action movie.  The key word in that being dumb.  The tropes, entertaining as they are, make the movie dumb and predictable in every way.  Not a single thing in the movie feels original.  It feels like an amalgamation of all of the dumbest moments in action film.  The rebel military guy is reminiscent of the cop movies of the 80s where the officer was off the force and solved the crime on his own terms.  The finale feels very much lifted from Independence Day with slight alterations.  And then there’s Linda Hamilton, one of the stars of the Terminator franchise.  It feels like a throwback to the action films of the 80s without actually bringing anything new to them.

The whole movie feels like something that has been tread over many times before.  The difference is that it is done with the Asylum sensibilities.  That’s not a new thing, since the studio has been doing that for years now.  But it’s still something different from the throwbacks that the action stars of decades past seem to be doing in their own more recent efforts.  That is worth something.  It’s a different point of view when looking back at the action genre.

Bermuda Tentacles is not a must see movie.  In no way am I going to demand that you go out of your way to see it.  It’s perfectly enjoyable, though, and if you have nothing better to do one night, you could turn it on and have a good time for an hour and a half.  I think you could have a good time for an hour and a half.  I’m sure most of you know my taste by now, and my taste might not completely mix with your taste.  Take what I say with a little grain of salt.  I think you could do a whole lot worse than Bermuda Tentacles.

You want some notes?  I have some for you:

• Other Asylum movies that I’ve watched for the Sunday “Bad” Movies are Two-Headed Shark Attack, Rise of the Zombies, Snakes on a Train, the Paranormal Entity movies, and Nazis at the Center of the Earth.
• I brought up Sharknado in the post for Big Ass Spider!
• There is an actor in Bermuda Tentacles named Richard Whiten.  He was also in a movie called Jack Frost.
• Angelique Cinelu was in Bermuda Tentacles.  She was also in Rise of the Zombies.
• The director of Bermuda Tentacles was Nick Lyon, who also directed Rise of the Zombies.
• Have you seen Bermuda Tentacles?  What did you think of it?  Put your thoughts into the comments below.
• Also in the comments, you can leave recommendations of movies I should watch for the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  If not there, then you can find me on Twitter.

Why Do I Want to Slap Every Character in The Good Witch (2008)?

In 2008, Hallmark released a movie called The Good Witch.  The movie was about a witch named Cassandra who goes to the small town of Middleton and is almost driven out by a crazy woman named Martha who thought she owned the town.  There was also a romance beginning between Cassandra and the town sheriff, Jake.

The whole movie left me with the strong urge to slap the characters.  Each and every character in the movie deserved to be slapped.  They needed the common sense put back into them.  Thus, I decided that this week’s Sunday “Bad” Movies post would outline many of the reasons that I wanted to slap the characters throughout the movie.

Brandon – You are being bullied by a kid (Kyle) at school.  Your dad (Jake) is the sheriff.  Surely, you should be able to stop Kyle with your dad being the sheriff of your town.

Kyle – So your father doesn’t give you lunch money.  Big deal.  Oh, he’s telling you to steal lunch money from other kids?  Maybe you should go after someone who isn’t the sheriff’s son then.  Or get yourself some help.

Kyle’s father – Forcing your child to steal lunch money, eh?  Need it for your booze addiction, eh?  You realize that lunch money doesn’t nearly come to the amount that it costs for some hooch, right?  Steal some money yourself.  You would get more than your son can.

Teachers – Where were you?  I didn’t see any of you while Kyle was throwing Brandon to the ground right outside the front entrance of the school.  One kid is stealing another kid’s lunch while you do nothing.  You are not doing your job.  And it is apparently a daily occurrence.  This should have been stopped a long time ago.

Brandon – The way you choose to get revenge on Kyle is to ask the witch (Cassandra) to turn him into a frog.  Really?  What happens when people find out he’s missing?  You are the number one suspect.  You have a motive.  Sure, your dad doesn’t know and the teachers seem to not know about the bullying, but your sister does, and there were clearly other kids purposely ignoring what Kyle did to you.  People know what’s going on.

Kids – Why are you ignoring this bullying?  Why isn’t anyone standing up for Brandon?

Cassandra – You can help Brandon be courageous about his situation with Kyle, but you want to leave town because people don’t like you?  You’ve been there all of a week.  Give them time to get to know you.

Martha – Middleton is a town, not a country club.  People can live there if they want to.  It’s not an exclusive, membership only place.  If you don’t let fresh blood in, it will turn into a town filled with inbreeding.  If you only let in the people you deem worthy and ostracize those that you don’t, you are like Hitler with his Aryan obsession.  Come on, woman.

Tom – Who got elected, you or your wife (Martha)?  The people chose you to be the head of your town.  Yet you let your wife run things because it makes her happy.  Look what it is doing to the town and the people in it.  Look what it is doing to your kids (Dillon and Michael).  You need to grow a backbone and stand up to her.

Dillon and Michael – Don’t spray paint someone’s store and smash the windows.  Just don’t do it.  Not all people would be nice enough to drop the charges like Cassandra was.

Martha – Why are you brainwashing your kids into being judgemental assholes?  That’s like telling your kid to steal lunch money for your alcoholism.

Guy with Dog – Why did you make your dog into a child-eating monster?  You know how I know it’s your fault?  Cassandra told the dog it had a bad owner and the dog became good.  Stop making bad dogs.

Brandon – When the dog chased you and your sister (Lori), you opened the gate to Cassandra’s yard and went in.  Then you didn’t close the gate behind you.  Obviously the dog was going to run in after you.  If you are trying to protect your sister that’s a pretty bad way to do it.

Cassandra – You invited some random children into your house.  You have been in town for only a day or two.  You do not know anybody from in the town.  If they saw you take these children inside, they are going to think the worst of you.  Especially the kid’s parents.

Brandon – You should not have let the next thing happen.

Lori – Cassandra put healing herbs on you.  You don’t know what is in that.  You don’t even know Cassandra.  For all you know, she could have been a bad witch who wanted to eat you.  Or she could have been poisoning you.  The herbs could have killed you.

Cassandra – I know you are a witch and magic is about secrets, but if you are going to sell your potions, ointments, and herbs, there should be an ingredient label on them.  People should know what is in the things they buy.

Nancy Perkins – You bought a love potion from Cassandra.  Enough said.

Martha – You fell in Cassandra’s store and when she tried to help you up, you pressed charges for assault.  She tries to be a good person and you try to jail her.  No wonder your children are juvenile delinquents.

Jake – I know that Martha is the mayor’s wife, but when she cries wolf about assault that happened much earlier in the day, you don’t have to immediately go to Cassandra’s house and tell her the charges.  You weren’t going to arrest Cassandra.  You were off duty.  It could have waited until morning.

Martha – Stop being so pushy.  So you are the head of the “citizen’s council” or some crap.  That’s like saying that I am in charge of the lasagna, so the whole pot luck dinner should run how I want it to.  Get off your high horse.  You aren’t the mayor.  You are the mayor’s wife.

Jake – You can’t make Cassandra into your wife based on your first impression of her.  I know you said that you can’t be choosing sides, but you are clearly the Romeo to her Juliet.  You are a love-struck fool who will only ever side with her.  As much as she hadn’t done anything wrong, you didn’t know that at first.  You just assumed, and it made everyone into an ass.

Cassandra – You have known Jake for a couple of days and you are baking his family some cookies.  That’s nice, but you barely know him.  How can he trust you enough to eat them?

Derek – You ate a cookie?

Jake – You let your family eat them?  You don’t know what’s in them!  And your daughter just brushed her teeth!

George – This is a small town.  I can tell because there are only two police officers.  There is very little crime because Martha is only letting the people she likes stay in the town.  Jake can’t be getting home too late.  Maybe six in the evening.  So why are you sending the kids to bed when before he comes home?  You are their grandfather.  You should be letting them stay up and eat candy like a cool grandfather.

Lori – Your grandfather told you not to eat the cookie because you had brushed your teeth already.  Then you looked to your dad with your puppy dog eyes and got him to allow you to have a cookie.  You are a manipulative little girl.

And finally…

Martha – You’re trying to manipulate your entire town into being exactly what you want it to be.  Guess what?  You can’t do that.  A town is a town, not a fantasy land.  Stop harassing people to sign your petition that exiles a member of your town.  Stop screaming about police brutality when Jake asks you nicely to move away from the entrance to Cassandra’s shop.  Stop trying to get everyone to think that nice little Cassandra is some sort of evil woman that will be the downfall of your town.  She is not the problem with Middleton.  You are the problem with Middleton.  As all the dude-bros would say, check yourself before you wreck yourself.  Or your town.  Doing this will only hurt the town you love.  Stop acting this way.

In the end, the whole town of Middleton needed a giant slap.  They were all acting like lunatics set free to march around the world.  Maybe that’s a twist in one of the many sequels that there are to this Hallmark movie.  If it’s not, then the slaps are well deserved.  The people seem to have lost their minds but they aren’t seen as crazy.  Except, strangely, the homeless man, Walter.

This post is in no way my pro-physical abuse stance.  I am not for physical abuse to others.  I am simply pointing out the fact that the characters act like idiots throughout The Good Witch.  They do dumb things, they are annoying, or the writing is so bad that it leaves problems within the actions of the characters.  Any of these hypotheses can be attributed to the things that I have outlined above and they all help to show how irritating the town of Middleton actually is.  Yet, people keep going back to it and movies keep getting made.  The Good Witch is a Hallmark Channel hit.  I don’t get it.  I found that it got on my nerves.  I guess that’s how the possibly poisonous cookie crumbles.

After watching The Good Witch, I had some notes:

• Another movie I covered from the Hallmark Channel was a movie called A Crush on You.
• Another movie I've covered that involved a witch was Hansel and Gretel Get Baked.
• Have you seen The Good Witch?  Did you find it as annoying as I did?  Did you watch the whole movie?  Were you forced to watch the whole movie?  Did you feel obligated to watch the movie because you had to write a blog post about it?  Share your thoughts in the comments.
• If you have suggestions for movies to be watched for the Sunday “Bad” Movies, suggest them in the comments or to my Twitter account.

Ten Actors Who Haven't Been Featured as of Watching A Talking Cat!?! (2013)

This week, as part of the Sunday “Bad” Movies, I watched a movie called A Talking Cat!?!  It was an underwhelming children’s movie about two families being brought together by a talking cat.  It was directed by David DeCoteau under the pseudonym of Mary Crawford.  It featured performances by Johnny Whitaker, Kristine DeBell, and Eric Roberts as the tinny voice of the talking cat, Duffy.

After watching the cheesy, poorly made, uninteresting movie, I realized something.  A Talking Cat!?! was the first time that Eric Roberts had been featured in the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  94 weeks into these posts, with over 100 movies watched, and I had only now watched him for the first time.  I got me to thinking about what other actors with a history of bad movies that I had neglected to include so far.

The remainder of this week’s post will be devoted to a list of ten actors that I have overlooked for whatever reason.  This is not a top ten list.  A top ten list would be difficult and nobody would be happy with all of the names I listed in the order that I listed them.  They probably wouldn’t be happy that I was sticking to known names as well.  There will be no no-budget mainstays like Jerry Angell or Bill Zebub.  I’m basically just going to pick ten actors that come to mind that you’ll probably know.  And a final note, actresses count as actors because they are female actors.  You’ll see one or two women on this list.

I now present you with my list of ten people who I have overlooked when choosing movies for the Sunday “Bad” Movies.

Ed Wood

Mr. Wood is one of the most notorious figures when it comes to bad movies.  The guy is the godfather of bad movies.  He made Plan 9 From Outer Space, a movie that is known to be one of the worst in existence.  He was also the man behind Glen or Glenda, a groundbreaking film in the LGBT community.  Not a good movie, most people would say, but one that paved the way for better movies covering the same topics.  Ed Wood’s legacy lives on through the knowledge of his films and the Tim Burton directed Ed Wood.  Out of all the people I chose for this list, Ed Wood is the earliest one.

Hulk Hogan

I’ve watched movies starring wrestlers for the Sunday “Bad” Movies already.  The Marine movies gave performances by John Cena, Ted DiBiase Jr., and Mike Mizanin (known more as The Miz).  If there is one giant sore thumb that I haven’t looked at yet in the Sunday “Bad” Movies that comes from the wrestling world, it would be Hulk Hogan.  The guy was a movie star in the early 90s.  With performances in movies like Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny, and Santa with Muscles, it’s a wonder that I haven’t yet included him in the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  Hulk Hogan seems like a perfect contributor to these movies.

Paris Hilton

Need I say more than just her name?  I’ve mentioned her in a couple of posts but have yet to watch a movie she was in for the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  The current IMDb Bottom 100 has three of her movies.  Two of them are in the top fifteen.  She has starred in The Hottie and the Nottie.  She has starred in Pledge This.  She has starred in Nine Lives.  The woman lives to make terrible movies.  Yet, I have somehow avoided her movies throughout the Sunday “Bad” Movies.

Vince Offer

Spoiler: He won’t be overlooked too much longer.  Vince Offer is more known to people for his work in commercials than film.  He’s the promoter of the ShamWow and the Slap Chop.  But people who know bad movies know that in the 90s, he directed and starred in a comedy movie called The Underground Comedy Movie.  It was an anthology comedy that helped paved the way for Movie 43, as well as Offer’s InAPPropriate Comedy in 2013.  None of his film work has been well received.

Pauly Shore

This is the guy that I find to be the most annoying personality to ever come across our television and movie screens.  He irritates me to no end, and rarely was involved in anything better than horrendous.  Bio-Dome, In the Army Now, and Son In Law are a few of the atrocities that he inflicted upon the general population.  He was a staple of early 90s bad movies and one that I have yet to include in the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  Perhaps it’s because I hate him.  Perhaps I have other movies I would rather watch first.  Either way, the guy has yet to show up and probably should have by this point.

Jean-Claude Van Damme

I shouldn’t even need to justify why this guy should have shown up in the movies I’ve watched so far.  He’s got movies like Double Team and Street Fighter that justify it for me.  The guy’s name is synonymous with the type of movies that get included in the Sunday “Bad” Movies.  His splits need to be included in the schedule at some point.  They just do.  If I did not eventually include them, I would be doing a disservice to everyone.

Larry the Cable Guy

The alum of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour became a big name in movies with his breakout performance in Pixar’s Cars franchise.  It allowed him to make more movies.  Some of these movies included Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, Witless Protection, and The Tooth Fairy 2.  That’s why I think that Larry the Cable Guy would be a good addition to the Sunday “Bad” Movies, and an addition that has yet to happen.  Though I would probably find each of those movies irritating, they have their place in the world of bad movies.  As does Larry the Cable Guy.

Tara Reid

Her career started off alright.  Cruel Intentions, American Pie, The Big Lebowski.  I think those movies are all pretty solid to great movies.  But somewhere in the mid-2000s, her career went way off the tracks.  A lot of it could be nailed down with her appearance in Alone in the Dark.  It is said to be one of the worst movies ever (I haven’t seen it yet).  Then there was The Crow: Wicked Prayer, a sequel to The Crow starring Reid and Edward Furlong.  More recently, Tara Reid has re-emerged in the two Sharknado films as the love interest for the main character Fin.  Her career ended up becoming bad b-movie schlock.

Sylvester Stallone

I have featured his brother in Terror in Beverly Hills.  I have not actually featured Rocky/Rambo/Cobra himself.  This guy is a great mixture of good and bad movies, both being memorable.  For every Rocky, he has a Rocky V.  For every First Blood, he has a Rambo 3.  For every Cobra, he has a Judge Dredd.  Death Race 2000, Over the Top, and Driven only help to further the fact that Sylvester Stallone deserves a mention in my list of actors that I have somehow overlooked.  He deserves to be included.

Nicolas Cage

How is this guy not in any of the movies I have included in the Sunday “Bad” Movies?  He’ll do anything.  His filmography is filled with high highs and low lows.  He won an Oscar.  The guy is an Academy Award winner, yet he still makes a name for himself by starring in terrible movies.  Vampire’s Kiss is one of the classics.  The Wicker Man is another.  Then there is Bangkok Dangerous.  I can’t forget the two Ghost Rider movies, Season of the Witch, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, Drive Angry, G-Force, Stolen, Seeking Justice, Trespass, and Deadfall.  That’s a lot of stuff that I could have covered and just haven’t.  I don’t know why I haven’t.  They all seem like good picks.

And with that, I have listed ten people who deserve to be in the list of actors featured in the Sunday “Bad” Movies, but haven’t yet shown up.  There are many more that I could have added to this list but ten seemed like a nice round number to have.  Some of these may change as I move into weeks 101-125.  Many of them will end up staying the same, I fear.  I don’t know why I fear that.

These actors should be some of the bigger influences over the Sunday “Bad” Movies but haven’t even made their first appearances.  Only this week did Eric Roberts show up.  There’s a first time for everyone to show up in these movies.  Okay, not everyone.  I don’t think I’ll be including John Cazale.  As for the ten actors that I listed above, there will come a time when they appear.  They will not go unwatched.  They will show up eventually, and my breathing will be able to ease, knowing that they have finally been included.

And with that, I have some notes:

• A Talking Cat!?! was suggested by @the_gaming_king.
• Two movies I mentioned that I have covered were The Marine and Terror in Beverly Hills.
• I also mentioned the IMDb Bottom 100, which I wrote about in the post for Crossover.
• Are there any actors that you think should be included in the Sunday “Bad” Movies and haven’t yet?  Share those in the comments.
• Also in the comments, you can share suggestions for movies you would like me to watch for these posts.  If you want, you could also tell me on Twitter.  I consider everything when I make the schedule.